advice I would give the younger generation if they would listen to me

I lost my virginity young, took drugs young, had successes and failures young, knew poverty young, moved out of home young, travelled somewhat and have had many adventures, scrapes, high, lows and in betweens. So here is some advice that I would offer to the younger generation.

1. Girls - Never ever shave your face.

2. Being a woman is something to be treasured.

3. If that relationship is going nowhere don't be afraid to leave.

4. Stand up to your boss.

5. Read your rights especially with regards to property, work conditions and your health.

6. You are not an antifeminist for enjoying the company of men.

7. Subtlety is more powerful than Shock.

8. Black dresses, pearls, white cotton shirts and a good watch will never go out of style.

9. That said, wear whatever makes you feel comfortable.

10. If you want to know what a man will be like in twenty years meet his father.

11. Never be afraid of what you can do with your body.

12. Cleanse and moisturise daily.

13. Wear sunscreen

14. You can change the world, be thoughtful with your decisions.

15. Money will not make you happy forever.

16. Always carry birth control.

17. Do not rely on others to make you happy. Learn what makes you happy.

18. Be mindful of what you put in your body - it has side effects.

19. Some people like you for who you are.

20. Other don't, accept this.

21. It is no crime to open a door for another person, say please and thank you. Good manners will set you apart.

22. Listen to your grandmother/grandfather - she/he has way more experience than you.

23. Learn what you can, knowledge is power.

24. Listen to your friends, they know more about you than sometimes you do yourself.

25. Be open with your emotions, don't shut yourself away if you have been hurt.

26. Eat fish or take omega three oils.

27. Be careful how treat others - you never know where they will be 5 years from now.

28. get your license as soon as possible.

29. Test your intellect.

30. Life is not work, do not deny yourself the pleasures of friends, family and holidays.

31. Learn how to cook three basic meals before you are eighteen.

32. Learn how to change a bike/car tyre, fill your water tank, oil reserve and change spark plugs.

33. Tell your partner you love them with meaning.

34. A little bit of naughty is good for you.

35. Have faith and confidence in your own ability to survive.


I'm feeling very pensive today. A little old hippyish sort of pensive. The first wrinkles are popping around my eyes (note no.36 LOVE YOUR WRINKLES) and I'm just not the cool young chick around town that I used to be. I feel old, used, wizened today. I can't pin point where this has come from. There is no wit, no real sparkle, no major inspiration.

A note for those others who have felt bleh (Fluffy, M!key) - There has been a triangles of planets causing a bit of grief since Monday, which might explain it.

7 days til my holidays and here's hoping, a new lease on life.


The Wisdom and Folly of Youth


Last night was the first night that I looked after MLI's girls by myself for any extended period of time.

By this I mean get home from work, play ponies til 6.30pm, strip the girls, get them in the bath, start cooking dinner, light candles in the bathroom because the girls "want to have a bath the way you do Ladycracker", try to finish cooking dinner, clean biggest girl's school uniform, try to remember how to mash potatoes, get the girls out of the bath, dry them, wriggle them into their pyjamas, clean up the milk the littlest one spilt on the table, serve dinner, plead and make deals with both of them over dinner, ( biggest one - please eat your fish fingers. littlest one - please eat your little trees), clear away dinner, feed them both a mentos for dessert, clean up the red wine that the littlest one spills (my fault) whack on some Elvis, grab the hairbrushes and a banana and make up dances to Hound Dog, wipe their mouth, toilet and teeth, get them into the bedroom, read some stories, they think they are too hot, I get some sheets, then the littlest one wants me to get into bed with her, I tell them a story about lapping ocean waves praying they will go to sleep, then I rub their backs until they finally quieten down.

I wrote this all in one sentence because it feels like a blur to me. I have always thought that I was a great multitasker but apparently not. The mash was lumpy, the carrot too raw, the bath temp too hot, dinner was on the table late and the girls only just quietened down about ten minutes before MLI got home.

I think I'm going to need a while to get a hang of this kid thing. I never had a lot of experience as only one of my friends has a child and my sister has only just had one. They are such hard work, such a joy and so rewarding. However. I'm glad that we only have the girls four days a week. Uninterrupted sex is a beautiful thing as is the chance for us to enjoy us time, going to the movies, dinner, dancing, gigs, parties, that sort of thing.

8 days til I'm on holidays


Quite Cultural Really

On Saturday I managed to drag my sorry arse out of the house and head down to ACCA to catch the immensely talented and close personal friend of Ladycracker, Mr Sean M Whelan, read some of his beautiful and inspiring words in a lovely pair of pyjamas on a very comfortable looking bed.

On Sunday I took my mother for a drive to Sorrento and had an aged prime beef fillet for lunch. We headed back into town to catch a couple of musical chameleons play with Yanto Shortis at the Retreat Hotel.

The posting is going to be short and sweet this week. Feeling a bit bleh really.

Only 9 days till a little holiday in the country thank Christ.

In Bed with Sean M Whelan

The Retreat, Sunday 5.30pm.


How could you not love him? part #2

Yesterday I arrived at my desk to find a letter. On opening it, I discovered it was a love letter from MLI filled with page after page of declarations of sweetness and sauciness that I read about ten times in row before secreting away for more private viewing.

Thinking that this was the only suprise I would receive, I carried on with my day with nary another thought in hopes of getting some urgent matters completed.

Opening the front door to my house later that evening I entered my room to be confronted wth a large blue and silver box. Inside this box were about 20 LP's and 10 45's that included not only this gem full of pop confections.


But this testament to our obvious soul mate status.

I ask again - How could you not love him? The man has given me records.



Today is my Dad's birthday so to celebrate we shall remember the...

With thanks to Skander

Dads, the stuff of car ads, shaving cream, super cheap auto, having heart attacks, epiphanies, affairs and bemoaning the state of the youth of the day. I love TV Dads. Here are the top three.


How cool was this father? Mallory, Alex and the other one were snug in the love of their hippy father. No problem was too big for the Keatons, everything was worked out with love, understanding and that gentle G rated humour that flowed from the telly every afternoon. Michael represented everything that a TV dad has been.


Booze, Drugs, Hookers, a secret place of his own, gallows humour, what a man! Nathaniel Fisher represents the human side of TV fathering. Not all problems can be solved with gentle humour and a moral message. Some answers just require a joint and headjob.
Represents everything a TV dad should be.


A father so bad he is great. Named his son Fernando after an ABBA song and wonders why he refuses to spend any time with him.
The handbook on all the don'ts of fathering and well, life in general. Represents everything a TV Dad shouldn't be.

So Dad, Happy Birthday. Each of the fine TV Dads above contain a little bit of you. Have a great day.



A huge amount frivolity this weekend

Firstly some very important events have occurred this weekend.

1. MLI met my Mum. My family all live in QLD so it is big event when they come to town. As per expected MLI charmed her sideways.

2. MLI and I discussed how much money we would need to buy a house. "I'm laying my cards on the table baby". Oh my god I get warm fuzzies just thinking about it.

3. MLI and I discussed my wedding dress, where we are going to get married and whether walking down the aisle should be to the man in black, Johnny Cash or Flaming Lips. I'm erring towards Johnny Cash at the moment.

So all very exciting pipe dreamy sort of stuff, and I know we haven't been together all that long so I'm sure regular readers, friends and family would express some reservations if they knew that we are talking this way. I think: what is the point of loving if it isn't all in? Yeah you get hurt sure but I would rather have a broken heart then one that is hidden behind a stone.

Anyway apart from the lovey dovey stuff, HUGE party weekend had an absolute ball, some great lovin' a sleep in and then off to scienceworks with the girls to explore the wonders of the universe.

Life is pretty grand sometimes.

yep still going strong


I'm going to scratch some bitch's eyes out


Last night my netball team had their inaugural game. Oh dear. We are quite the disappointment.
However, the game brought back all of those wonderful memories of my teenage netball antics.
So for the girls in particular - can you recognise any of these snippets of recollection?

"Ok girls, nail check please"

"Just behind if you need"


"Penalty Goal Attack breaking"

"Go team"

"Contact Goal Defense"

"no food and drink on the court please"

"you will have to cover up that nose ring dear"

The thing is, we are playing at a very hardcore Netball centre against 17 year old girls who mean BUSINESS. Our team are 25+ drinkers, smokers and rock and rollers.

I'm terrified for my life.




Hi there, today we celebrate a momentous occasion in Ladycrackerland. Today, this humble abode for the overfill of my life has cracked 10,000 hits.

So, thanks for my commemorative trophy Blogger, there are so many people to thank where do I start?.. here goes.

Firstly my beloved google image search. Without you my life would be a colourless expanse of scrolling white space.
Secondly my camera who has nestled right in with image search and continues to fill my life with pleasure.
Thirdly I would like to thank blogging friends old, new and the disappeared. You have made me laugh and listened to my whinges, fears and embarrassing incidents without judgement or recrimination. If only such freedoms where available to more.

Thanks for stopping by y'all.

And a very happy 10,000 to M!key of Random Concoction, a true gentleman and a pleasure to know.


Making room

#2 in an occasional series about work

My desk is an explosion of colour. It is one of the perks of not working for a "only two photos per open grave" policied workplace.
So today's item is really part of a much bigger collage of images that takes the entire curved area that is my side wall. This wall has its followers with most people who come to visit me staring at it and it's gradual growth and forgetting to talk to me.

Here is just a little part of it.


This is an envelope I got from one of the many excellent shops of Victoria St, Richmond. At Chinese New Year the Chinese traditionally put money in these bags and give them to children. Until recently I did not know any children so I made about 50 of these little bags and gave them to friends and colleagues, wishing them prosperity and happiness. Even though this is a Rooster year and one of my prosperous years I kept one for myself as it had been a tough couple of months for me and I was looking for any salve I could find.

So I keep this on the wall to remind me of my good fortune and with a little bit of grit you can make the best of a bad lot.

end of sermon..thank you



Russell Allen, a gem from the north sent me this meme last week and who could resist? The original meme was - What's in my wallet? HELLO! I'm a girl. Random wonderfulness can't be contained to a wallet or purse.

So as per the photo below, let's plumb my depths so to speak.


Perfume - Hypnotic Poison by Christian Dior, my favourite perfume. A present from flattie for my 28th birthday.
Cotton buds - for cleaning out my belly button after navel gazing naturally.
Orange and black spotted makeup bag - $2.00 from Camberwell markets.
2 eye shadow quads - all the blues, all the purples.
Concealer - too lazy to use
red red lipstick
lip brush
nail file
2 x lip gloss homemade
Keys - with keyring "give the damn bitchy nicotine queen her cigarettes" - brought back from England for me by my friend Pat.
Peter Styvesant Lights in the hard pack
Wide tooth comb
Martha Wainwright CD for friend
Diane Arbus postcard to remind me to go to the exhibition (went, lovely thanks)
Tickets to see the Hives
post it note with entry information about Scienceworks.
Reciept from Thursday's dinner with MLI
Reciept from passport application
New necklace bought on a whim on Brunswick St at 11.00pm last Wednesday night.
Reciept from DVD repairs
Pen knife - Swiss Army Knife Mountaineers edition in black, A prized possession dearly loved by me that will have to be wrenched from my fingers on death. Was lost for six months earlier this year causing me very much distress.

Purse containing:
library card
gym card
superfund membership card
drivers license
appointment card - optometrist
medicare card
National unions of Workers membership card (together we are united)
Melbourne Queer Film Festival Member card
Amnesty International Card
another optometrist appointment card
Hotel key - Medusa Sydney
Hotel key - Grand Hyatt Melbourne
reciept from parking
Electoral enrolment details
Credit Card/Bank Card
copy of friends obituary - he is not dead it is an advance obituary.
Suicide Girls stickers

Not at all as exciting as others I guess. Perhaps I should add in few random body parts?

the family



At 7.04am on Friday August 12th my sister's first baby Henry William Lee was born.

All tired and happy. Photos are below.


Analyse this!

I found this little bit of fun the other day and using the faces of some of our famous politicians, have come up with some interesting results.



Race Analysis

62% Middle Eastern
29% Eastern European
8% Anglo Saxon
0% East Indian
0% Southern European
0% South East Asian
0% Korean/Japanese
0% Chinese

Personality Profile
Celebmatch Princess Diana
Intelligence 5.9 Average Intelligence
Risk 5.0 Average Risk
Ambition 5.8 Average Ambition
Gay Factor 1.8 Very Low Gay Factor
Honor 5.1 Average Honor
Politeness 5.3 Average Politeness
Income 6.1 $30,000 - $50,000
Sociability 5.5 Average Sociability
Promiscuity 3.1 Low Promiscuity

YOUR ARCHETYPE: White Collar Worker



Race Analysis

17% Middle Eastern
29% Southern European
53% Anglo Saxon
0% East Indian
0% Eastern European
0% South East Asian
0% Korean/Japanese
0% Chinese

Personality Profile
Celebmatch Ellen Degeneres
Intelligence 6.5 Average Intelligence
Risk 4.4 Low Risk
Ambition 6.4 Average Ambition
Gay Factor 2.1 Low Gay Factor
Honor 4.2 Average Honor
Politeness 6.1 Average Politeness
Income 6.4 $30,000 - $50,000
Sociability 5.5 Average Sociability
Promiscuity 2.8 Very Unpromiscuous


I could go on all day with this sort of rubbish but that would leave no fun for you. However, can I say, take notice of the income, race, gay factor and promiscuity. In fact, the Liberal Party might be able to get a new slogan from this highly scientific research.




your MC - Cracker

DJ's "I was young and needed the money"


It looks that bad?

I just signed into this blog for the first time in Mozilla and I must say it looks crap!

Anyone want to help me fix it?


smoking is bad for your health

An example of this.

I went outside for a cigarette this afternoon and was accosted by a colleague who told me, in detail, how he ate dodgy chicken and had yesterday off with the runs.

I don't know why these things happen to me.

#1 in an occasional series about work

In my job, 8 hours a day or more are officially spent raising awareness about our artists, CD's, DVDs and films.
Such rocket science type activities need to be completed in place of quiet and calm in order to fully get those creative juices pouring over my spinning tongue. Unfortunately, such luxuries are not mine to be had.

So in an effort to keep the juices flowing and the column inches growing I have surrounded myself with plenty of items of inspiration. Would you care to have a little sneak peek at what they are? Just one item at a time mind you, can't have learning the deep dark secrets of my mind all at once can I?

So today's item is


$4.00 WATER DISPENSER! (used once)
I bought this on a recent trip to Sydney and dreamed it would bring me a better hydrated life. The problem is that the cup that it comes with is too small so I would need to fill it every time I needed a drink - time consuming and annoying. It also leaks sometimes.

BUT - I love it. It is cute, it is minature and it is NOT FOR HOT DRINKS.


The Domestic Goddess goes Bad


A mixture of quiet domestic bliss and dirty rock and roll balanced my weekend and have left me fresh and ready for the fight.

Early drinks on Friday night led into a lovely bottle of bubbly at the MLI's house and a quick ham and cheese toastie. Heaven.
Then out for pool, drinks, dancing and 100 miles an hour yapping from yours truly with MLI, PIC and some of the extended work/friends crew.

The cab home cost $35.00 rather than $15.00 due to a certain amount of censored activity taking place in the back of the cab. Needless to say it was a most satisfactory interlude and I'm sure that we would have been the talk of the cabbie network that night. Stumbling through the door we ended the night with some wild abandoned sex.

Saturday after a late brekky and papers it was off to the MCG and we watched the Bullldogs charge forward with a thrilling victory. My team is Carlton but I'm happy to barrack for whatever underdog is going. Then home to hang out with the little ladies who arrive late Saturday afternoon.

On Sunday - cake baking! I donned my Domestic Goddess cap and made my first cake in close to 15 years. A total success I am happy to say. The afternoon was spent at the Museum and IMAX - $55.00! for a family of four. IMAX is a complete ripoff. Early dinner, watching the valiant cricket bogans of Australia hold back tears after the second test defeat by England, movies, making out..... bed.... sleep.

Thanks Elaine! but I'm afraid the packet mix won out this time due to failure to remember to pick up recipe off desk on Friday.

they shoot Lasers!

Childrens Museum Art


Reasons I heart MLI # 2


How could you not love a man who meets you at the door, takes your bag, leads you into a candlelit bathroom where a hot bath is drawn, offers you fruit on a plate, something to drink and your towel when you leave the water feeling like a glistening, adored goddess?

It just gets better everyday.


Rainforest Magic


While I was in the rainforest one day I came across this guy and he reviewed my blog.


and in other news.
I'm extremely hungover so please be gentle with me today.


The FABULOUS HAPPY LIFE BIRTHDAY CANDLE from last night's belated birthday celebration with my favourite eccentric friend and his mate visiting from old Blighty. This was stuck in the top of the icecream.


Oooh! A series! I'm becoming quite the serious blogger aren't I?


All my life I have been in contact with beards.
My Dad had a fair few permutations of facial hair and most conversations I have with men will turn to body hair at some stage.

So in honour of the men I know and love, including those whose cathode sex rays of beardiness beam from my telly, here are the heroes.

Many thanks to Greta -my inspiration


Look at him.
That saucy stare just sends shivers down my spine. Black Adder is one the most deceitful, rude, selfish, egotistical charcters ever created. I love every terrible bone in his body. Suprisingly he looks a lot like a well know blogger


"There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones."

Legend really. I wouldn't mind having a lager and quick go around in the back of the canteen with you Mr Brent y'now wot I mean wink wink?


The very definition of full lush growth, Don's beard represents (word) his green thumb. GIVE THIS MAN BACK HIS SHOW. Saturday nights with tea and toast at Grandma's house will never be the same (sniff).


Oh COME ON! Not one but two beards. What's not to like?

So dear reader, beards as you can see have had quite the effect on my personal development and since I can't grow a beard I'll have to do with one of these....



You thought that was going to be rude didn't you?


I don't why but I just love this photo. We had such a good time this night.



Oh dear.

In the last few days my life has turned all I Love Lucy with all manner of clumsy kooky Ladycracker moments just begging to filmed and played with laugh track.

For instance.

On Sunday I had the MLI's little girls for a few hours and we decided that we were going to make cards for loved ones. I went to the shop and bought cardboard, textas, glitter, glue, butterfly stickers, little stars - everything a little girl needs really.


Before I go any further.

I must say that on Friday night I spilled an entire glass of red wine on MLI's brand new carpet causing much connipting and salt shaking and handee ultra wipes before we could get that mess to manageable size.
Naturally MLI was not all that pleased that I had done this but got over his grumpiness after a certain while and after my breathy promises of naughtiness involving carpet cleaner, vacuums and John Spencer Blues Explosion.

So back to the card making.

The girls and I are happily making a right old mess on the brand new white table that MLI has in the kitchen. Ever mindful of the damaging effects of glues and glitter I had covered the table in newspaper.

After we had successfully completed a number of beautiful designs and had laid the cards out to dry I was in the process of clearing up.

I removed the newspaper from the table.


My blood ran cold.

APPARENTLY the combination of glue, newspaper and white does not mix. The table had newspaper printed onto it in two very large areas.

Don't panic Ladycracker I say to myself and set to scrubbing the table, lifting the paint in the process.
I almost fainted - and then MLI's Dad arrived. Frantically I try covering up the damaged parts of the table with sponges and bottles and stuff praying that he wouldn't notice it.

Eventually he left taking the girls with him.

And this is when the "sacrifices we make for love" comes in. I knew where MLI kept his receipts from the furniture blitz so I found them, got the style number rang the store, saw they had it in stock and then raced out the purchase EXACTLY THE SAME TABLE, came back, built it, took the old table apart, put it in my car and it is now hidden at my house.

My flattie thinks I have totally overrreacted.

Maybe I have but after the red wine debacle, the Johnny Cash collectors edition accident from a while ago, numerous stacks, scrapes and foot in mouth moments I decided that it would be a nice thing to do rather than present him with my latest "whoopsie". I just couldn't bear the shame.

LIFE LESSON LEARNT : Buy a plastic table covering for craft projects with three year olds.

And as for this morning's potentially disastrous contact lens mixup? Well that is for another day.


Good Morning


Have a wonderful day