do I open the fridge at work and look inside for a good minute retrieve nothing and then return to my desk? I don't have anything in the fridge. Is my subconscious secretly plotting to bring about the downfall of the company via rumbling stomachs?

Have I finally cracked?


The Magician


The Kino Dendy hosted the Melbourne theatrical launch of The Magician last night and MLI and I were lucky enough to attend the bash and be interviewed and photographed by a Melbourne newspaper. So keep you eyes peeled for Ladycracker this weekend.

As far as the film went, I really rated The Magician. My reasons are many but firstly, from the point of view of a person who selects films for a festival and has done for the last four years, films that are written, directed and acted by the same person usually spells kiss of death. They have a tendency towards insularity and The Magician has some great qualities that allows it the skirt this embrace.

While The Magician has a small cast, the talent more than makes up for this, especially Scott Ryan who has an easy charisma as Ray the hit man. Special mention also go to Tony, the hapless eccie dealer who is begging for Ray to not take his life.

Other reasons I enjoyed this film include the shonky hand held camera work, making it feel like you are the eyewitness to a few days in the life of our mysterious hitman and his unseen neighbour/documenter. You get the feeling that most of this film was shot on the fly and that adds to the feeleing of tension, particularly when Ray really gets into his profession. Also the script has some corker pop culture conversations about Tome Cruise, Wayne Carey and Mardi Gras that are genuinely funny.

I have no idea about the origins of the script, perhaps it came from a successful short idea and developed from there? Perhaps my one complaint would be that it is difficult to place the whereabouts of the characters amongst the crimes syndicates of Australia. However as far as an addition to the crime genre in Australia, I think that is rates up there with Chopper and Blue Murder for downright fascination with the crooks and The Magician will be popular from Chapel St to Boronia.




Tell me, which book should I read next?


More wine and food naturally


For the first time in four years the football didn't make much of an impact on me. But I did manage to catch it broadcast in my favourite form: blaring on 774 ABC while driving to Daylesford for a gourmet experience.

I'm surprised that I made it on the road at all on Saturday, as Friday night went from what was going to be a sophisticated cultural affair enjoying The Rape Of Lucretia and a quick cocktail at the Gin Palace to seeing the opera, having more than one cocktail and ending up at the dreaded Pony til the wee hours. Suffice to say my head was little raw on the way up to Daylesford.

But, make it to Daylesford I did and enjoyed a excellent dinner at the Farmer's Arms. I indulged in some lovely Passing Clouds shiraz with olives to start, followed by the Baby Octopus risotto and completed the meal with two cheeses and more wine. After the dinner my girlfriends and I went to Hepburn Palais and saw DobaCaracol, a great traditional and modern world music band from French Canada.


Sunday was spent at the markets and I purchased a sparkly skirt for myself, some indian icons in glass for the office and Enid Blyton's Tales of Long Ago for the girls. My idea with this book is to read one fable per night to the girls and ask them to analyse the meaning of the stories and how they can be applied to their own lives. For instance, Pandora's Box was analysed as if their Mum and Dad or even myself asked them to do something they should understand that it is for a reason and they are best to obey it. Sitting in bed with two little girls discussing the concepts of obey and disobey is the sort of conversation I would hope would be of benefit to their lives.

And more on the girls. MLI was having lunch yesterday with the eldest and he asked her how she would feel if I was at their house more often. The Eldest replied " Well, that means she would be my step mum, I don't mind at all"." So there you have it, I move a step closer everyday to joining their family unit and while I am scared of the changes that this will have to my lifestyle, I'm also thrilled.


I'm glad I spent it with you


Inspiration today comes from Fluffy and her recent post about International Fluffy Day. What would happen on International Ladycracker Day?

Well probably some if not all of the following..

- I would have the day off.

- I would be woken with a gentle kiss and a whispered "morning darling". MLI and I would lie together enjoying the morning sensations. We would both have satisfying orgasms.

- I would wander into the kitchen. It would be light, airy, clean and full of Spanish aromas, Tiger Lillies would be on the long bench table and the papers would be unwrapped (The Age, Hollywood Reporter, Variety, Sleaze Nation, The Guardian, NW) For breakfast I would eat an omelette with truffle oil and super fresh blood orange juice.

- After brekkie I would play with the girls and they would teach me the secrets of happiness.

- I would go for a swim and the temperature of the water would be perfect, my goggles wouldn't leave marks on my face and my brain wouldn't hurt from the bathing cap.

- For lunch I would eat a ham, brie and mustard baguette and it will taste divine.

- After the swim I would go op shopping and buy the most fabulous dark green dress with white crystal embroidery for $10 and it will fit like a glove.

- I would wear above dress and take high tea with my girlfriends at the Tea shop in Royal Arcade. For tea I would wear big dark glasses and white tea gloves.

- In the late afternoon I will go to a park and stare at nothing. I would read "Valley of the Dolls" or "Lace" without a hint of guilt.

- For dinner MLI and I would go to simple Italian restaurant and eat the world's best pasta and drink delicious red wine. I will get a little drunk.

- After dinner MLI and I would head to see The Pixies. We will have front row view and they will play every album in chronological order.

- After the concert and drinks with the band, MLI and I would go home, make out like teenagers on the couch for hours and go to bed happy.

It sounds like to most perfect day to me. For true perfection it would great if on International Ladycracker Day I could learn the secret to finishing a post well....


Fringe Festival 2005 : Penny Machinations


My curiosity was piqued by a small piece I read about Penny Machinations, a Fringe 2005 side show with a difference. I was lucky enough to be granted an email interview with Telia Nevile who, along with her partner in arts, Matt Kelly has put the shows together. Read on to see what transpired.

Telia, thanks for speaking to me today about your show "Penny Machinations" as part of Melbourne Fringe Festival 2005. My first question is about the concepts that have driven this idea of a short theatre piece. On reading about the show I was immediately struck by an idea of penny arcades and even the confessional box, can you tell me about your original ideas?

In 2002 I made a pay-per-view piece called '...ad infinitum' with Matt, which was based on the old automated machines at fairgrounds and in entertainment arcades in the 1800s - you put a coin in and the machine automated for a short time, giving you a little show (usually an automated orchestra playing part of a song). We showed it in foyers and galleries
(any corner that would have us) and loved it, and people reacted really well. So, when we formed interior theatre last year, we planned to create a whole series of while-you-wait pieces that we could perform in places like foyers or galleries while people were waiting for a main event or just loitering. The idea was to created a forum to experiment with ideas, formats and structures...take a few risks and have a lot of fun. When we got a spot in La Mama's Explorations season last year, we decided to extend the pay-per-view format into a whole penny arcade full of private-viewing pieces. The shows inside the arcade don't happen without an audience member instigating it (by handing over a ticket, and choosing from the array of pieces on offer), and each one is performed specifically for them. They get wonderfully close to the actors, we get to experiment and play, and the whole thing feels really special.
The atmosphere we're going for is the idea of finding a few little neglected tents at the back of the fairground...the idea of straying off the beaten path and discovering something that only you experience.

Your blog http://pennymachinations.blogspot.com/ has been reopened and is now doing the wonderful service of collecting our sins! - How will you be using this resource as part of your shows?

The blog is collecting sins and confessions that will be transcribed into our 'Book of Sin', which will be hidden away in our darkest corner for people to pour over and contribute to. We made the Book of Sin for last year's Penny Machinations and people were fascinated, horrified, and occasionally a little damaged by what they read, but it's incredibly heartening to know that you're not alone in your sins, it's very cleansing to confess, and more than anything else, it's a juicy read.

On the idea of confessional blogs such as yours and the well subscribed Post Secret, do you think that these vehicles are a community service?

I think they go into the 'you're not alone' bag, which is a great bag to have. We get trapped in our own heads, with our worries and insecurities doubling back on themselves so often that finding out that other people are just as bad, if not worse, opens you back out and reminds you that everyone has flaws...that's what makes life interesting (and occasionally gross).

On the content of the short shows that make up Penny Machinations, how many actors are involved? Is it just you and Matt?

This year's 'Penny Machinations' has five booths operating, 8 performers, 2 lovely attendants, and me and Matt managing the arcade and selling tickets. The content of the booths ranges from straight naturalistic text to shadow puppets, movement and comedy. Each booth has a variety of pieces in itwhich can vary wildly in style, structure and genre.

Tell us about the set up that you have, the space, how many people at a time, your staging and the like.

The 2005 Penny Machinations penny arcade is open for business on the stage of the North Melbourne Town Hall every Friday during the Fringe. They're using the Main Hall for the Festival Club this year, so we're right next to the bar and in the middle of all the hubbub. There are five beautiful custom-made tents set up (one of which leads down a set of stairs and out into the back alley) which are private-viewing and each is equipped with a vacant/occupied sign. If the sign reads vacant, you can rock on in, hand over your ticket and settle in for a short show. If it says occupied, we ask people to queue till it's vacant.
With the exception of a low light wash to illuminate the arcade as a whole, each booth is lit with found, domestic lighting of all sorts, and where lighting changes are required, they're operated by the performers.

What sort of feedback have you got from your audiences? To they react to one particular aspect of the show concept?

Feedback from past audiences, both about the shows and the arcade format, has been enthusiastic and exciting. On entering, a lot of people get a little nervous about the idea of being in the booth by themselves with the actors, but once they've been through a few shows, the buzz of people swapping stories of their experiences starts growing and people start acting like children at a fun park. It's wonderful.

Are you seeing any other show as part of fringe? - anything in particular that you would recommend?

I'm going to try and jam in some extra shows, although between the show, school, and work it's so hard to fit in as many as you'd like. 'I Put the Music In You', showing at the Storeroom, looks like a riot; the 'Jangle Gym' line-up at Bar Open looks great, and the 'Renegades of Folk' gigs should be a hootenanny; High Pass Filter are playing on Saturday night and I'll be along to that; the Bambucco structure in Fed Square looks incredible, and it's free...hell, there's so much that it spins your head...

Show Details
Venue: Festival Club, North Melbourne Town Hall (Cnr Queensbury & Errol Sts, North Melbourne)
Dates: Friday 23rd Sep, Friday 30th Sep & Fri 7th Oct
Times: Penny arcade open from 8.30pm - 10.30pm, come whenever you like for however long you can.
Tickets: $1.00 per booth, pay-per-view. No pre-bookings - tickets available for sale through the Festival Club bar or our roving spruikers.



Year in Ladycrackerland


On this illustrious day I celebrate my first year of blogging with a new look courtesy of the ever wonderful Random Concoction.

What do I want for my birthday? Well I would be hoping that if you do happen to stop by, say hello. Especially you lurkers.

Here it is folks month by month. What this blog is actually all about

September : My sister arrived in Mebourne. I broke up with my live in partner of four years Wrote a lot of rubbish that I now cringe about.

October : hmmmm, spent most of it drunk by the looks of it, went on holidays to Byron Bay to lick my wounds over breakup, had my first colonic irrigation.

November : Gawwd, went to my ten year high school reunion, moved house, saw more movies than it is healthy to do.

December: Found out that my sister was pregnant to my ex, got drunk a lot, best friend left for the US, went to Brisbane for Christmas. Went camping for New Year.

January : My grandmother died, I got drunk a lot, I cried a lot. Little Morris was born. Met Kid Koala, got loaded at the Big Day Out. I think I was having lots of flirtations at this stage too.

February : Lots of parties and plays, more booze, strange valentine's day message, I had a party, my other friend left for the UK, Hunter S Thompson died.

March : Met the Black Keys, Melbourne Queer Film was on, Nick Cave tickets go on sale, I see Holly Golightly at the Northcote Social Club and meet MLI! MLI and I go on our first date. Post on the day of the date attracts most amount of comments ever.

April: The GRAND LOVE AFFAIR is progress. Actually, when I look back at this posts I'm freaked out by how full on we got so quickly. Meet MLI's kids for the first time.

May: Naturally the best thing that happened this month was seeing Nick Cave and having a dirty weekend with MLI. Oh and Big Brother starts

June: GRAND LOVE AFFAIR continues, get really sick for awhile, realise my youth is slipping away, meet the Detroit Cobras, lots of romance, vomit bile over our public health care system. Sterne announces he is expecting a child.

July: My Birthday, Saw Interpol, saw Queens of the Stone Age, saw The Hot Snakes, started to get very serious with MLI, started to get to know his kids better.

August: looked after the girls by myself for the first time, fell more in love with MLI than ever before, My sister and partner had baby Henry, debacle with the kitchen table at MLI's place - hits home that I want to marry this man.

September: Went on holidays for four blissful days, saw the Mess Hall, my best friend arrives back from the States. Reached 10,000 hits, got my first comment spam.

So a lot has happened, a lot hasn't. Hasn't been the easiest of years to navigate but what the hell? Here's looking forward to next year


Touching The Turkey

I've just spent three very busy days with MLI and family and have indulged heavily. Like this time most weekends I'm formulating reasons why my delicate poetic soul doesn't need full time work to stay happy but rather a long lie in and toast with honey is really the right stuff.

So lets recap the long weekend.

Friday morning after a delicious sleep in MLI and I headed down for breakfast at a local cafe we enjoy. Since I had discovered MLI was going to be taking me to the races on the Saturday we had a look through the form guide. I love the form guide;assessing the chances the horses, rolling the evocative names around on my tongue, considering the odds and deciphering the arcane symbols used to find the horse that will bring you luck.

After choosing a couple of nags worth backing we headed to the Bonsai farm to look at some possible purchases. This when it all started getting quite fun. We wandered down to the back of the farm and got a little naughty. We were going to get a lot more naughty before the day was over. What is it about this man that makes me act like a horny teenager? I go out in public and yearn for him to catch me by surprise which he often does.

Later that afternoon we saw Look Both Ways at the Nova. Before getting into the theatre we went to Borders for a quick browse. Borders is sexy, we both felt it and acted on it. By which I mean MLI thrust his hands down my pants and got me very excited as I gripped on to a book shelf, all the while a staff member is stacking the shelf next to us. Very hot and heavy, an experience to remember. Perhaps next time I should be wearing my glasses and some suitably librarian fantasy clothes?

Look Both Ways is one of the most well executed Australian films I have seen probably since Lantana. All the hoopla about Little Fish is a little overdone (well apart from the performances of Weaving and Henderson). This film had a believable love story, human reaction and a script that didn't make me cringe. A top flick that I recommend highly.

Friday night was all about the glamour.
I dressed up in the beautiful satin and velvet antique shift that MLI bought for me in Castlemaine, donned the family jewels so to speak and celebrated our 6 month anniversary with an all meat extravaganza at Vlado's. The three courses of herbed sausage, mixed platter of meat delicacies and a medium rare eye fillet was complemented with a bottle of Mt Langi Ghiran Shiraz 2000.

We finished up another romantic evening with cocktails at Der Raum on Church St. The list is unusual and I had the strongest cocktail I've yet to taste - A Prohibition Long Island Ice Tea, served in an oversized coffee cup with the coke served in a milk jug. Potent. Deadly. Leg Opener Extraordinaire.

Probably best not to divulge anymore details about the night but suffice to say the state which had been building all day reached a series of explosive conclusions by dawn.

I have so much more to write but currently MLI's biggest girl is hanging over my shoulder wanting to sneak a peak.

So I will be brief. At the races my nags didn't come in and today we went to the Royal Melbourne Show. I was being my usual self, eyeing off the carnies and using them as part of my missing teeth/likelihood of machinery breaking down while I'm at the top of the ferris wheel equations. As usual I ate too much, got really frightened on the rides and felt crotchedly after two hours.

The girls are grizzling and it is time for dinner so I leave my weekend there as it should be: tired, sated and with a tiny sugar induced headache.


small joys in life # 1

When you type an email and the spell check goes straight through without stopping on one word.

Experience the thrill that is Ladycrackerland folks, thrill of it all.


Meme Stealer

I think I might have stolen this from Brownie Sorry, I just couldn't wait around like a dog begging for a bone any longer. This meme was ripe for the picking, basically because my borderline delusional personality can think about this sort of stuff for days in complete sugar coated contentment.

"So...Who would you want to play yourself in your BioPic?"


Why? Because she is insanely hot and I lust after her. She is a curvy, darked hair princess and once I stop tripping over my feet and my foolish mouth and gain some real sophistication I wanna be just like her.

"Riiight well we can all dream. So tell me, who will most probably play you?"


Slightly loopy bird with glasses and great taste in music. Occasionally says the wrong thing.

So there you have it. I feel a great sense of satisfaction getting that of my chest, thanks for listening.

This meme is free to a good home.


Evil People #2

So tell me, which is the lesser of two evils.



"I believe the town where I used to come – from Houston, Texas, to enjoy myself, occasionally too much – will be that very same town, that it will be a better place to come to."

or this


"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them."

ummm... well we did eat.

So more information about the recent holiday I enjoyed.

Food taken:

Kangaroo pie at Pyrenees Pie Shop Avoca

Delicious rare steak with hot mustard at Moonambel Pub.

Stirfry with local beef cooked by Moi.

Sausages, Eggs, Bacon and toast as left by the proprietors of our cottage cooked by MLI.

In fact, as far as food went, the trip wasn't a gastronomic tour de force that I expected it would be. The wineries we went to didn't have a selection of local delicacies as I had hoped.

So we just made do with the wine as you can see!


a perfect ending

As I lay in his arms after the perfect orgasm.
I whispered, "After you came I cried"
"Why", he returned.
"Because I was overwhelmed with an intense feeling of love and tenderness."
"Yes, that was definitely full of love."

And so ended our few days of peaceful togetherness. We ate, drank, had spa's, made love on top of a hill as the sun was going down, laboured over the scrabble board and I fell more totally and blissfully in love with MLI than I thought could be possible.

And we bought wine.
The cabinet now contains thus:
Dalwhinnie - 2003 Estate Shiraz
Taltarni - 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon, 2002 Shiraz (Not available to public apparently)
Taltarni Cephas 2003 Shiraz (bloody marvellous)
Blue Pyrenees Semillion and Sauvignon Blanc both 2004 I think.
Warrenmang 2004 Estate Shiraz
Clover Hill Sparkling

Looking nice and full with special bottles for dinners, MLI's upcoming birthday and the like. I have returned to my life a lot more relaxed and vow to get away from it all more often.

The feeling of bleh is gone and energy is restored.



I'm off on a few days holiday with MLI.

So in my absence I hope you enjoy staring into the fires of contemplation.

No doubt I will.




Ladycrackerland and Random Concoction would like to invite you out for an evening of beer and brains at the Espy Hotel.

Expressions of interest are sought to attend Tuesday October 18th's taping of SBS TV's rock trivia show Rock Kwiz as we will need to book tickets very soon.

Please email either Ladycracker or M!key of Random Concoction with your interest in joining us. Or leave a comment.

Don't be shy now.

Oh and did you know? I love a quiz.


RIP R.L Burnside


Blues artist R.L. Burnside, who in the 1990s redefined the blues genre by incorporating indie rock acts and hip-hop production, died September 1, 2005, at St. Francis Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee. Burnside was born November 21, 1926, in Harmontown, Mississippi, and spent most of his life in the north Mississippi hill country, where he worked as a sharecropper and a commercial fisherman and played guitar at weekend house parties. In 1968, noted folklorist George Mitchell recorded Burnside for the first time. In
1991 Burnside was the first artist signed to then-fledgling Fat Possum Records in Oxford, Mississippi. His debut, Too Bad Jim, was produced by former New York Times pop critic Robert Palmer. Along with his friend, neighbor, and label-mate Junior Kimbrough, Burnside was one of the most popular and important blues musicians to emerge in the last two decades. He recorded the crossover collaboration A Ass Pocket of Whiskey with the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion in 1996 and became a cult hero. In 1998, music from Come On In was featured in several movies and television shows, including The Sopranos. Burnside sold hundreds of thousands of records in his lifetime. He is survived by his wife Alice Mae, twelve children, and numerous grandchildren.

So sad, a mournful passing.


Evil People

So, tell me which is the lesser of two evils?



Or this...


Ladycrackerland... always tackling the big issues