I'm feeling sad today. Sad, lonely, frustrated and nervous.
So it is times like this that I'm glad I have friends who can send me stunning emails like to one below to cheer me up. The below correspondence is the result of 18 months of emails about all sorts of subjects. Today's takes the cake.
(Rather sailorish language and subject matter follows):
--------------------------------- Still seeing the optometrist [groan at pun] Alicia. She's nice. And hot. Very hot. It's weird to hang out with someone who doesn't rate pop culture savvy as a substitute for wit. Oddly refreshing though. I've been much less snarky with people of late. Admittedly this has resulted in friends believing I am a robot replacement for the real me but you take the good with the bad. ;)Crazy evil bitch Jasmine who I was infatuated with for faaaaaaaaaaaaaar too long called me the other night begging for sex. I'll say it again, 2.30am begged for sex. Said she had "the boots on". Now any other year this story with end with "so we fucked and then I felt bad and broke up with nice girl and then Jasmine got bored with me and I was alone and so I stared popping Xanax and crying myself to sleep" but I said...no. Asked her where the hell SHE was when I was lonely and needed a fuck buddy and hung up on her. I actually even said, "honey, you had you shot at the title."
Fuck it man, that chick screwed me around for soooooooo long when I was an emotional cripple (2005), I'm not going to be her stunt cock (again) when she's going through a rough patch.bwahahahahhahahah I finally got to say that! My penis hasn't talked to me since, though. Seriously. It's giving me the silent treatment. Have you ever seen a dick flick its hair and go "hmpf"? I tells ya, it's quite a sight.
But angry penis aside, things are pretty good. PENIS: Yeah, they're great. You fucken wanker. She was wearing THE BOOTS! Do you know what that does for me???
ME: Dude, you totally went there, like DOZENS of times.
PENIS: I wanted to go there again! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! IT'S WHAT I DO!
ME: It's not like you're NOT getting any! We see Alicia ALL THE TIME.
PENIS: I demand a variety of orifices. Or orificii? What's the plural? Oh I don't know. I'm so disappointed in you. When was the last time two chicks paid me attention? When was the last time some stripper did lines of blow off me? HUH? HUUUUUUH? I thought we were friends! I'm going to have a beer with the scrotum.
God. What a dick.
Well you asked how I was!
and there ends another sidesplitting missive from my pal 424. Thanks.