Ladycrackerland

Relief

2007-04-19T16:48:00.000+10:00

I want it to rain.
I want it to get wet and cold and dreary.
Curse this infernal sunshine!

hospitals and setbacks

2007-04-13T11:19:00.000+10:00

Errgh, smoked a cigarette last night. Disappointing, but the patches are back on today.

Toured Mercy hospital with T to look at the birthing options. Felt a strange painful feeling in my uterus. We are close so no doubt it is some sort of sympathy pain.

Lately I have been fantasising about old age. MLI will be the world's grumpiest old man and I will probably be the old lady down the road who either scares the little children or can't leave the house without matching my ensemble within three shades of pink.

I think I'm enjoying this hermitage. I feel less inclined to seek the company of others. My inner life is becoming increasingly desirable. I feel a positive change is under way.

Day two

2007-04-12T10:57:00.000+10:00

50 minute swim last night - felt good
So far I have saved 30 dollars and not smoked 60 cigarettes.
I think I'm going to get sick of this vege soup pretty quickly. Will have to find some more recipes.
My beautiful grey and sliver metallic scarf is almost complete. This weekend I plan to vist my aunty, hem my hot pink dress, finish my scarf, dry brush myself into a distracted state, deep cleanse like a mother fucker, start the liver tonic course and run 7 ks.

Once I have coerced my body into accepting all of these changes I'll start on trying to improve my mind. Can't do it all at once and the sugary sweet confection of undemanding reading material is too hard to resist.

A change

2007-04-11T09:38:00.000+10:00

This blog is about to become nothing more than a notepad for my latest birth.

So far:
3 days without cigarettes,
5 days without drinking,
1 day of gym membership
3 months til I turn 30,
3 months out from a lifetime of fun can't be that bad can it?

So close

2007-03-28T09:42:00.000+10:00

Sometimes you are afforded an opportunity that will either live up to your greatest expectations or leave you dribbling in a messy pile of the blues. Last night was one of these golden moments. I was unexpectedly handed a ticket to see the greatest ever indie band, The Pixies, play in a very small,intimate venue; The Northcote Social Club.

The photos I have don't do it justice and I vow to take a better camera next Wednesday when I see them again.

I'm not a highly emotional concert goer really, not when it comes to heroes. But when Frank Black was screaming out the words to "Tame" my breath caught in my throat a way I haven't experienced in years and for that I say thank you.

dream life

2007-03-06T09:43:00.000+11:00

I dreamt I was the muse of Henri Cartier-Bresson last night and that he discovered me in a Sportgirl. What ever could this mean?

Not something I'll let their mother know.

2007-02-03T10:29:00.000+11:00

Firstly, I have a fancy new scanner and printer and this is my first attempt at trying to "make the art" with it.

Okay.

5 and 7 join me in a regular Saturday ritual. I meet one of my old friends at Booktalk on Bridge Rd Richmond, dump our respective brood by the second hand book section, order milkshakes and shoot the breeze uninterrupted for all of 2 hours. It is pleasure and I look forward to the next one.

The last part of the ritual includes a treat for 5 and 7. Each gets to choose a book under $5.00 to take home. 7 will scan the shelves with great seriousness until she finds the perfect book. This book will then by read anywhere and everywhere at least three times over before the end of the weekend, which is lovely for 7's intellect but appallingly bad for 7's table manners.

5 on the other hand will grab any old thing that catches her eye and run with it. Hence I inadvertently bought her a MOST inappropriate book.

"Poison Beware: Be an ace poison spotter" starts off simply enough with bright cartoons of kitchen, bathroom and garages filled with all sorts of nasties then quickly moves on to snakes and spiders. When I was first reading the book to 5 in bed one night I was congratualting her privately on her eccentric and inquisitive nature. That was unitl I got to this page...

The answer to this most shocking of questions...

THAT's RIGHT! - the person throwing up out of the window!
Praise be! Finally the stepkids are getting the education they so richly deserve.

It only gets worse though when we turn the page to...

and the answer this probing question is two fold.

and

.

In short - you can spot a drug taker because they all believe that they can fly and steal money from little old ladies on the streets. If only I had been provided this information years ago.

I'm glad that I have a copy of "Poison Beware: be an ace posion spotter" in the house because I do find spotting the difference between an alky and a druggie so very, very difficult. It might be a little early to send the girls out on a game of spotlight using this book but no doubt they'll find it more fun than a game of "count-the-white-cars" on our campervan trip in September. til then this book will be safely hidden away next to the toilet cleaner.

And I'll probably take a closer look at the books 5 chooses next time.

Suspicious

2007-02-02T08:40:00.000+11:00

"The Secret Of Success Is Knowing Who To Blame"

Fantasy

2007-01-31T10:44:00.000+11:00

Occasionally I will fantasise that I am the world's best saw player and that I have 6 children and we all play in a gypsy band and live in a bus.

Fetish #1

2007-01-30T09:57:00.000+11:00

Indulge in some frothy confections here
Hear that? It is the sound of my bathroom scale breaking.

My workplace

2007-01-29T17:10:00.000+11:00

Thursday afternoon brought to light that each member of the staff of S - - - - R - - - - - - seems to have a stubby cooler stashed at their desk.

How very interesting.

Compassion

2007-01-10T11:44:00.000+11:00

The family has gone away for a few days leaving me chained to the desk until I can get away next week. I'm missing them all terribly. The little girls, 4 and 7, rang me to let me know that they missed me. Lovely little people they are.

I think they must be reaching an age where compassion rears its head. I came home last week and MLI grabbed me and took me around to the side garden where he said he had something really sweet to show me.

On arrival I found a mound of dirt covered with white paper and held down with rocks.

Here is the close up, which reads; "Here lies a dead bird we found in the garden. R. I. P Bird".

I think that is just the most adorable thing ever. Don't you?

Satisfying

2007-01-10T11:37:00.000+11:00

For those of you who are still waiting on your samples from my new enterprise, never fear, they are in the post!

SUMMER

2007-01-03T11:09:00.000+11:00

Something good

2006-12-07T11:09:00.000+11:00

The tests are in and my mother doesn't have cancer.

Rights

2006-11-30T13:15:00.000+11:00

I went to the MCG Rally and then marched to the Fed Square earlier today before running back to my desk job. It felt good.

The kids I went with made this banner.

My union from far away. I was late, thought they would be wearing blue, so I got lost and ended up opposite.

Your Rights At Work: worth fighting(voting)for.

Book Magazine Book

2006-11-28T10:28:00.000+11:00

Have you heard about Book Magazine Book? I found out in an accidental but timely fashion as the inaugural edition was posted to moi, full of the possibilty that is a book of blank pages, last week.

With much trepidation I have set myself to the task of being the first contributor. Below is my take on the theme "start(le)".

If you are keen on getting involved get in touch with the Book Magazine Book collective via the website linked above.

Movember

2006-11-24T10:07:00.000+11:00

Sorry guys I couldn't make it after all. Go here to support those that can.

It had to go. Food was getting caught in it.

Mistress

2006-11-23T10:31:00.000+11:00

Blondes, Brunettes and Redheads don't worry me. But, if a woman turned up in black and white and you could "fill her out" with a pen, I'd be in strife.

Guinea Pigs needed.

2006-11-22T10:43:00.000+11:00

Any bloggers who have met me would be aware that I have an interest in natural skincare bordering on obsessive. Early in the year I had a false start at getting a hobby business up and running and gave some samples to these lovely blogging ladies.

After months of research, test trials and a complete about face of what I actually want to put out there, I have a new range of delicious items that are about a month off being ready to go. So, I come to you, small readership, with a request.

If you would like to receive some small samples of yummy body and bath products please get in touch via(ladycracker@gmail.com). I don't ask anything in return except some considered feedback. I have 5 packs that will be delivered within the month.

Deletion

2006-11-17T08:30:00.000+11:00

Blogliners, that last post was deleted for very good reason. Don't drink and blog etc etc.

Improvement

2006-11-15T10:37:00.000+11:00

My mood has improved somewhat with the health calamities calming down to slightly disfigured and disgruntled only. The suspected psychic wounds of Saturday are only surface scratches and while I can't do much to change the problems of my sister in law, I can at least reach out to my brother and let him know how I feel.

So let's just carry on then shall we?

I've been struggling with posting my experiences here lately. The combinations of a busy work, home and social life, cash flow worries plus generally slightly grumpy feelings have left me uninspired. I'm going to try to improve this as I've always found my little quiet space very comforting. I have been most neglectful in writing anything of interest about the wedding/honeymoon period. I guess I should take advantage of the current Mercury retrograde period and post a retrospective of the last few months to pull me out of my slump.

Thank you to the persistent commmenters. I've been so slack in responding to your comments and I have no excuse except I feel so drained and disppointed in myself at the moment. When I feel like that I withdraw into a small place inside me and wait there until some equilibrium is restored. I can feel the warmth returning now.

Pouring

2006-11-13T11:22:00.000+11:00

For it nevers rains does it?

I think this week has been one of the worst and for the sake a sook I shall list my woes below.

1. A raging eye infection. Words don't describe my grotesque visage.
2. A terrible head cold.
3. To put it quaintly, the painters are in and I'm having a complete renovation it seems.
4. MLI and I had one of the stormiest, ugliest and ultimately distressing arguments this weekend. Thankfully it has been resolved but I suspect it has left some psychic wounds.
5. My mother is due to have a bone scan to determine whether or not she has cancer.
6. My sister in law and her family are returning home for the states after some awful experiences with the American corporate environment.
7. An immediate family member is refusing to invite me to their wedding. Devastating news that has had me on the edge of tears for three days.

I'm going back to bed.

Sometimes they get it so right don't they?

2006-11-03T11:58:00.000+11:00

My Friday morning office ritual includes the digestion of Popbitch and The Village Voice. With the Voice, I always go straight to Freewill Astrology. Today's little snippet revealed the following:

Columnist Jon Carroll once listed the 100 best human artifacts. They included things like clocks, screwdrivers, shoelaces, and Band-Aids. But in your horoscope this week, I especially want to call your attention to the following items from his master list: pillows, mirrors, balls, masks, swings, lipstick, stirrups, playing cards, and pear nectar. There's a good chance that these best-ever creations will be featured in the effervescent adventures you'll soon have. Or at least they should be featured.

That sounds like my weekend is all planned out doesn't it? Photo evidence will soon follow.

The Zen of Kato

2006-10-27T12:27:00.000+10:00

OR
Seeing bands that were last popular in the 90's: a pros and cons analysis by Ladycracker.

PROs

1. Nash stills rocks the long hair with a certain amount of pizazz. He also looks rather good in a purple two piece velvet suit.

2. When I was chatting to the band later, the bassist mentioned that I was the only girl in the middle of a "sausage factory" which amused me. You take that as you will but remember - I am a married woman and happily so.

3. Mr Nash Kato very graciously offered to sing "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" at a future wedding redux.

4. Nash Kato is good for the economy. The babysitters of Melbourne were well employed last night with just about everyone heading into the two kids and a mortgage territory and as a result rocking out in a BIG way.

5. To this end, I WAS THE YOUNGEST PERSON IN THE ROOM. I feel practically emo about that one.

CONS

1. The fact that I was the youngest person in the room is testament to what can be kindly referred to as a misspent youth and I really should be ashamed of myself.

2. They did not play Dropout. Gutted.

3. Tour tshirts people. Fucking work it out. Girl have breasts, bellies and backs. Design your shirts to fit them. We are not one size fits all.

4. Nash didn't wear the glasses. Another dream has ended.

5. Did I mention that they didn't play Dropout?

Have a good weekend all. Stay away from them sausage factories.

xx LC

a little look...

2006-10-26T10:27:00.000+10:00

Well...

Here is look at my shoes and dress from September 16th. I have to protect the identity of others hence the lack of photos posted. I think I look quite nice don't you? My husband looked incredibly handsome and the girls look adorable.
xx LC

The Tea Party

2006-10-21T17:17:00.000+10:00

Go See this Show

2006-10-12T10:04:00.000+10:00

I love the man who is one of the creative souls behind this show. In fact he created a work of art to read at my wedding and I was more than mightily chuffed with the result.

I suggest that if you can, perhaps you should go and check it out this Sunday night.

Time Away

2006-10-10T23:40:00.000+10:00

Yes, I'm back hardly refreshed it seems, but ready for the next adventures. More details about my month of love, sun and sex with follow. Briefly, a note about my heavenly reading list, please forgive the formatting

Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim: David Sedaris

Cloud Atlas: David Mitchell

Running With Scissors: Augusten Burroughs

Canterbury Tales: Geoffrey Chaucer

A Suitable Boy:Vikram Seth(started, not finished yet)

Exquisite Corpse; Poppy z Brite

Nothing to Wear and Nowhere to Hide: Fay Weldon

Landscape With Animals:Cameron S Redfern

Book are listed in order of preference - the joy of it!

Friday is the new Wednesday

2006-09-15T14:44:00.001+10:00

Frantically busy but must appease the ladies..

I am taking ridiculous pains to look glamourous for my wedding. Look at all of this stuff?

Most glamorous shoes EVER.

The outfit

and from another angle.

xx LC

5 days to go

2006-09-11T13:17:00.000+10:00

Very busy and no time to post anything of entertaining value. Hands up if you want to see a picture of the wedding dress and accessories?

Job

2006-09-08T10:16:00.000+10:00

Not mentioned in all the wedding fracas is the fact that Ladycracker, publicist to the almost famous, is hanging up her speed dial and contact book for the greener pastures of label management. I can't say that I'm unhappy to see the back of publicity. I've been doing the business for at least 6 years and I'm way past my use by date. Only two days left of fighting back tears at the thought of writing another press release. Two days left of enduring the malaise I feel every time I open my task pad and only two days left of sighing every time I pick up the phone. Hallelujah.

I know a lot of people would kill for my job and for long time I was really happy, but my life needs some fresh challenges and I'm more than happy to guide a younger person into making my role their own. Now if only they would find a replacement...

Bath Time

2006-09-07T10:04:00.000+10:00

Hashiguchi Goyô.
Woman After Bath, 1920.

After enjoying another torturous session at the gym last night, I went home to two little girls practically jumping out of their skin with excitement.

"LADYCRACKER! CLOSE YOUR EYES! GO IN THE BATHROOM!".

So I went into the bathroom and was presented with candlelight and a welcoming bath, beside which two little chairs were placed so my step daughters could regale me with tales of their day. Little 4 even got out the scrubbing brush and gave my back a once over.

While I have always enjoyed my solitude in the bathroom, I reckon that last night's was about the best I have ever had. At the risk of sounding even more sentimental than I already do... aren't they angels?

MORTAL THOUGHTS

2006-09-06T10:16:00.000+10:00

No posts lately because the only thing on my mind is organising a freaking wedding and frankly, I'm not sure just how interesting my musings on that particular subject can be.

An interesting side effect of my obsession is directly related to my daily struggle to get through a day without causing grievous bodily harm to my personage. No word of lie, I have an awful propensity to injury, great or small, and have basically entered a low risk lifestyle this week after almost breaking my ankle in a poorly judged dance move at my hen's party. By low risk I mean, no dancing, no sport, no stairs, no running with scissors, wrestling sharks, filming stingrays and most importantly NO BOOZE.

Did anyone see "Look Both Ways" last year? I'm basically treading the same ground as Justine Clarke's character Meryl in that film. Every corner I turn holds vision of calamitous death via falling safes or horrific road accidents. I envisage slicing appendages in freak carrot dicing incidents and take a deep breath every time I step out of the shower in case I fall and have to try and drag my mangled body to the phone for ambulance assistance.

However, these morbid visions of death have helped in some regard. I have been lucky enough to stumble on my preferred means of interment. A Swedish company Promessa, will freeze dry you body in liquid nitrogen and collapse it with high frequency vibrations, creating a powder that is sealed in a organic coffin made of cornstarch. This package will then decompose over 6 to 12 months. (EDIT: I'm not sure exactly where this link came from. It may have been Boing Boing)

So if my anxiety riddled self does do the unthinkable and shuffles off it's mortal coil while attempting a rather trying Jazz Ballet move before September 16, you can be sure that instructions for a call to Sweden have been duly placed.
.

For Elaine

2006-09-01T09:31:00.000+10:00

A quick little link that reminds me of the spirit one of my favourite bloggers. I think she, and others, will get a kick out of this.

INDEXED

Stepmotherly Pride

2006-08-31T09:12:00.000+10:00

Last night 4 and 6 arrived home with some very exciting news. 6 had received a student of the week award for "excellent literary skills" and 4, well, she was covered in stickers of "excellence". What for?

....

BEST ZULU DANCER AT KINDER.

My heart bursts.

Clucking

2006-08-29T10:26:00.000+10:00

Items of note from a Hens Party. 26/8/2006

1. 35 people make an awful racket, particularly after a few glasses of champagne.
2. If you wear a fluffy tiara, yes, you will look like a bloody hen.
3. No, I can't jump puddles.
4. Some gorgeous people inculding a small group of lovely bloggers came. You know who you are. Thanks.
5. You will be very suprised by who will buy you plastics straws shaped like cocks.

I had a fantastic time, bersmirched briefly by one person acting out in a very surprising way. Not directly at me, but at someone who doesn't deserve such treatment. I know as a veteran host of parties attended by 5 to 250 that you can't control everything all the time, it is just a shame that someone used my happy event to unload some of their own power issues on my guests.

So onwards we go to the big event..... 19 days and counting. Apart from what I hope will be a beautiful day, I also have three weeks of sun and surf to go along with it.

Short and Sweet

2006-08-21T10:47:00.000+10:00

A quick one today.

I went and saw Kenny last night. What I thought was going to a be a 90 minute poo joke actually turned out to be one of the sweetest films I have seen in a long time. Kenny is a character that is easy to fall in love with and I was just about cheering from my seat at the end. If you are looking for a laugh I highly suggest this one.

16th to 16th

2006-08-16T10:02:00.000+10:00

Brussels Sprouts - Healthy and Delicious!

Four weeks and a bit til the big day!

Last minute preparations are busily coming together, anxiety dreams are being had, Brussels sprouts are a LARGE part of my daily diet and the wedding day timeline is forming under the iron clad fist of my dormant stage manager skills.

Two interesting side effects have arisen during this time. One, I cannot make a decision without at least a full day of deliberation and the advice of at least eight people which is alien to snap judgement Ladycracker and secondly, we are as poor as church mice.

We are doing this whole thing on the sort of budget that would get us into the the "quirky" section of the glossy wedding mags. not that this matters to me, I'm down to earth, I don't require eight bridesmaids and metres of lace in order to feel that I'm properly marking the occasion. However, even the most simple items can run into thousands. So for all those brides out there who need oxygen after even opening a bridal magazine here is a list of ways that we have found to cut corners.

1. Have your ceremony and reception after lunch. Those pesky guests should have already stuffed themselves so you won't need to supply as much food.

2. Feed them some nice wine to start but move on to the cheaper after round three. They will be pissed and won't notice.

3. Lose the bridesmaids and groomsman. I only have a witness and it makes for hassle free organisation

4. Get you gift registry at a travel agent and get you guests to pay for your honeymoon rather than receiving stuff for the house that you won't use.

5. Never tell a florist that you need flowers for a wedding. Say it is a for your mother's sixtieth and the price will improve.

6. Try on your corsetry in a lovely shop lingerie shop for instance, get your sizing and get what you want for a 1/4 of the price on Ebay. Exactly the same style and brand mind you. I feel a little bad for actually doing this but hey what can I say? I'm a cheap ass broide.

7. Bonbonniere is a ridiculous wedding industry fabrication. Lose it and save yourself some time and effort. Unless you do something cool like a mixed CD like two of my mates did.

So there you have some very easy ways to save a few pennies. All our saved cash is going toward more booze and food for the guests because even though MLI and I will be having a blast, I want our guests to have a great time as well and if that means getting them boozed up and stuffed to the gills with gourmet BBQ then so be it.

CAR

2006-08-14T11:09:00.000+10:00

In another effort to bring this blog up to date with the Adventures of Ladycracker, I shall tell you a little story about my birthday.

MLI, a blessed man and the best thing to happen to me since birth truly knows how to surprise a girl. For my birthday this year he bought me a CAR!

See? How lovely is that? Well, it is a second hand little tootle box, but it is all mine and has a working heater and stereo, so to me it spells utter luxury. The car I had before that, which I cheerfully sent off to the wreckers with a light heart and a royal wave was a 1984 Nissan Prairie that my ex and I bought off a pair of lesbians for $500.00.

See?

And this photo is of a Nissan Prairie in not such bad form. Mine was plastered with rude band stickers and had a tail light that we held on by gaffer tape and frankly it looked like an emo kid's first car, and, was starting to get embarrasingly loud and conspicous when dropping 4 and 6 at their respective day time holding pens.

MLI installed the stereo, got me 12 months registration and filled the petrol tank before presenting me with my new love, the Red Rocket, the weekend before my birthday. So, the question now is.. what do I get for his upcoming birthday to even get close to comparing with that?

GRANNY UNDIES

2006-08-11T09:02:00.000+10:00

Remaining readers, I'm going to tell you a little story about embarrassment.

Ready?

OK

I'm getting married and gosh I'm so damn excited about it I could bust. However, in an effort to be the sylphlike woman of my dreams I have been busting a gut at the gym to get some DEFINITION and guess what? is it working. This gym regime has put me a little behind in my dress preparations though, hence the following event...

I had booked a fitting with my lovely dressmaker Kendall at her place. Lovely Kendall works with me and at lunch time I received a panicked phone call.

"Ladycracker, I can't do your fitting tonight".
"Well that is ok, what about you come over to my office at 5 and we do it here? Office mate is away and General Manager isn't here either.. the coast is clear".

So the plan is set.

At 5.00pm precisely I was standing in my office in the largest pair of sucker - me - in granny undies and a rather charming BEIGE bullet shaped 50's bra. My in-an-emergency underwear that I'm using until my tres sexy corsetry arrives.
So, in the office, bullet shaped bra, granny undies, arms and legs akimbo and a rather attractive lady with her head around my crotch when in walks....

THE GENERAL MANAGER. WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? WHY DOESN'T HE KNOCK?

Good lord, what do these things always happen to me? So as you can imagine after many red faces, screams, ineffective bullet breast covering and a dressmaker rolling around on the floor laughing some sort of equilibrium was restored.

Although I still can't look my general manager in the eye.

Let see how long this lasts

2006-08-10T11:06:00.000+10:00

Hello there.

I've climbed a mountain and come down the other side.
How are you all doing out there? Miss anything?

for this too shall pass

2006-04-11T12:29:00.000+10:00

The time has come to close Ladycrackerland. Perhaps I'll start again in another shape, perhaps not.

For those who are keen to stay in touch, contact me via email.

Goodbye and thank you.

"honey, you had your shot at the title."

2006-04-03T17:22:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling sad today. Sad, lonely, frustrated and nervous.

So it is times like this that I'm glad I have friends who can send me stunning emails like to one below to cheer me up. The below correspondence is the result of 18 months of emails about all sorts of subjects. Today's takes the cake.

(Rather sailorish language and subject matter follows):
---------------------------------

Still seeing the optometrist [groan at pun] Alicia. She's nice. And hot. Very hot. It's weird to hang out with someone who doesn't rate pop culture savvy as a substitute for wit. Oddly refreshing though. I've been much less snarky with people of late. Admittedly this has resulted in friends believing I am a robot replacement for the real me but you take the good with the bad. ;)

Crazy evil bitch Jasmine who I was infatuated with for faaaaaaaaaaaaaar too long called me the other night begging for sex. I'll say it again, 2.30am begged for sex. Said she had "the boots on". Now any other year this story with end with "so we fucked and then I felt bad and broke up with nice girl and then Jasmine got bored with me and I was alone and so I stared popping Xanax and crying myself to sleep" but I said...no. Asked her where the hell SHE was when I was lonely and needed a fuck buddy and hung up on her. I actually even said, "honey, you had you shot at the title."

Fuck it man, that chick screwed me around for soooooooo long when I was an emotional cripple (2005), I'm not going to be her stunt cock (again) when she's going through a rough patch.

bwahahahahhahahah I finally got to say that!

My penis hasn't talked to me since, though. Seriously. It's giving me the silent treatment. Have you ever seen a dick flick its hair and go "hmpf"? I tells ya, it's quite a sight.

But angry penis aside, things are pretty good.

PENIS: Yeah, they're great. You fucken wanker. She was wearing THE BOOTS! Do you know what that does for me???
ME: Dude, you totally went there, like DOZENS of times.
PENIS: I wanted to go there again! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! IT'S WHAT I DO!
ME: It's not like you're NOT getting any! We see Alicia ALL THE TIME.
PENIS: I demand a variety of orifices. Or orificii? What's the plural? Oh I don't know. I'm so disappointed in you. When was the last time two chicks paid me attention? When was the last time some stripper did lines of blow off me? HUH? HUUUUUUH? I thought we were friends! I'm going to have a beer with the scrotum.

God. What a dick.

[ahem]

Well you asked how I was!

---------------------------

and there ends another sidesplitting missive from my pal 424. Thanks.

Wedding Update 2: House of Moshe

2006-03-31T14:08:00.000+11:00

Fuck, you'd think that nothing else exciting was happening in my bloody life wouldn't you? Well, as it happens, there is but it is far too early to start spreading the news about that yet. Stay tuned for a birth* of a different kind.

So, this week the search for the dress started and so far badly. I just dragged a male coworker into a shop on Sydney Rd for a quick scan of hemlines (all too long for me) and prices($$$$!!!!!), and was quickly picked as a troublemaker and told kindly not to drag the dresses along the ground by a shop woman with the cold eyes of killer. "Do not fuck with me" was hidden in every syllable she breathed at me.

Anyway, the quick scan proved fruitless and I have made a few bookings for Saturday in the hopes of finding something I like so I can at least describe the fabric to the dressmaker. I don't think "ummm, it was sort of shiny but sorta not" is GOING TO CUT IT PEOPLE.

And so, I have made an appointment with the wonderfully named HOUSE OF MOSHE, which makes me think of this..

having babies with this..

Please god, let it be a sign.

*not a baby ALRIGHT!

How come?

2006-03-25T20:15:00.001+11:00

I can get up before 9, make love with MLI, have cuddles with the girls, get breakfast, shower, dress, do the food shopping (in three stages), bake cupcakes, visit friends, go swimming, watch Animal Farm, ponder the capitalist vs communist problem, plus what I will write on my wedding invitations, make chickpea and pumpkin tagine, and an 18 ingredient caponata plus 15 fish fingers, rice for three days and steamed veges, clean up the bomb that is the kitchen after my experimentation, do the usual evening routine with the girls, and yet...

and yet...

AND YET...

I still get my arsed whipped at memory?

Wedding Update 1: Charge of the Bridezilla

2006-03-24T14:31:00.000+11:00

As promised, Fridays will be a very special Wedding Edition of Ladycrackerland. Let's kick it off with the good stuff shall we?

Family
Since the proposal MLI's family has been nothing but great. I feel all warm and glowy inside because his sisters have been so lovely towards me, offering to help with all the little details. It serves as a reminder, not only do I get an unspeakably hot, sexy, wonderful husband to play with, I get 11 brothers and sisters as well. I'm already envisaging retirement-age Gin Rummy weekends somewhere nice in the country with them all.

Details
Venue is booked.
Celebrant is booked.
Honeymoon registry isn't far off.
As you know, SHOES ARE PURCHASED.
Food is sorted (Gourmet BBQ)
Attendants are sorted i.e none.
Guest list is drawn up and final.
Dress shopping commences next week.
Invites are being designed this weekend.
so really..

All I need is flowers for my bouquet and hair and makeup. Any suggestions would be received gratefully. Oh, and underwear to make his mind melt.

I want to get these clips for my hair to go with the bounty of red delights I'll be wearing there.

Emotions
Good, the anxiety dreams are going away and I'm relaxing into the arrangements. A few worries about my family and where they are going to stay and if they will all be able to come remain. But really, I'm having a ball - I'm organising a big party and it is going to be fabulous!

B is for Bolt

2006-03-24T09:54:00.000+11:00

This weekend I will be taking an active role in this, as pooh poohed by him, a fact that I find barely worth commenting on as he has no sense of research and should be pitied really.
If you are coming along to have a look and are keen to spot the public face of Ms Ladycracker, look out for red toes!

So no Orange?

2006-03-23T10:37:00.000+11:00

Listen up you...

and you..

and all the others

The Chinese are onto you.

A for Anxiety

2006-03-21T11:00:00.000+11:00

(Dear readers, I promise to restrain myself from writing about Bridal shenanigans everyday. Maybe I'll just recap on Fridays.)

Thought One: Every single night since MLI proposed I have had a terrifying anxiety dream, ranging from the "I'm getting married in Safeway, how strange, oooh I forgot to paint my toe nails" scenario through to last night's "vagina dripping blood, unable to clean up" horror show.

Has anyone else had experience with this? I have no reason for this anxiety as I am thrilled to be making this step.

Thought Two: 4 and 6 bought me a deluxe manicure and pedicure for Christmas, which I was only able to enjoy this weekend. As I walked into the treatment room, the owner caught sight of my ring and pronounced "OOOOH, YOU ARE CONFORMING!!!".

What is all that about? bitter divorce?, secret lesbian crush on yours truly?, Leader of society against engagement rings? Let me add, the woman was every inch the Camberwell woman i.e ...

Ok, Shoes and Dress

2006-03-20T09:56:00.000+11:00

I am not turning into a Bridezilla.

I am not turning into a Bridezilla.

I repeat, I am not turning into a Bridezilla.

However!

From the dress below, subtract everything above the armpit and you have a vague idea of the shape of my dress.

and here are the shoes, already purchased and might I add, make my legs look like the most sensational bits of goodness ever.

Thoughts?

HERE IT IS......

2006-03-16T10:11:00.000+11:00

In the early hours of Sunday morning, while listening to the brilliant Arcade Fire album "Funeral", MLI presented me with a stunning ring and asked me to marry him.

*faints with excitement*

*purchases bridal magazine*

*shakes head in disbelief*

Truly, the man makes my heart flutter, my girly bits catch on fire and my face break from smiling so hard. I look forward to regaling you all with stories of impending nuptials.

F##king Brilliant

2006-03-14T13:57:00.000+11:00

Those Fucksters, they're funny fucking girls aren't they? Today's blog post comes care of their little patch of fucking brilliance. My fragile mind needs a boost today. You can do that by visiting thissite

Oh and by the way - I HAVE SOMETHING VERY EXCITING TO TELL YOU ALL. But, you are going to have to wait just a little bit longer.

What a bitch I am hmmmm?

Ringleader of the Tormentors

2006-03-10T11:49:00.000+11:00

I'm listening to a wonderful album with such brilliantly titled songs as:

Dear God, Please Help Me
I'll Never Be Anyone's Hero Now
You Have Killed Me
and my favourite
Life Is A Pigsty

Yes, the master has returned and created an album of great beauty.

*sigh*

Sharing the Love

2006-03-10T10:39:00.000+11:00

What a week. How many good things can happen?

Firstly, that master of satire Sterne has had a baby!
My best friend has had a baby!
My other best friend is in love!
My other friend is in love!
MLI and I celebrate ONE WHOLE YEAR of making the smoochy eyes at each other

AND

I found this site. I love this site with my whole heart.

Here. To illustrate how happy I am....

Have a good weekend y'all.

APOLOGY TWO: TOMATOES

2006-03-07T21:10:00.000+11:00

We met straight after I had my first taste of acid. Straight after J had pashed off with MC and T had stuck her tongue down GM’s throat.

I didn’t say anything to you until the next day at the next party. We sat under a tree for three hours. Me signally with my eyes, “kiss me, kiss me, and please kiss me”. Eventually you did, just as the fire truck arrived.

School was over and I was off on pilgrimage. Swimming every day in the ocean and fending off the moods of 8 girls in a house, unsure of even why I was there. J waves to me from the shore.

“Someone is here to see you”

You were sitting on the beach. Looking like something out of Wolfmother way before it was even remotely cool. A packet of Winnie Whites, I was thankful since my Austudy was still three days away. You had picked tomatoes for two days for petrol money, driven to the vague location I had said I would be three hours from home and waited on the beach for me to arrive.

I won’t lie, I was freaked.

You came back to our house and in my gauche way I tried to be mysterious. I could see I had taken it the wrong way already. I bummed cigarettes and acted cool and distant. You were very quiet and still. We decided to go to a movie and I refused to ride in your car. I was thankful for when the lights went down and the movie started but you were no where to be seen.

When we left the movie a note was on the car window.

“I’ve gone, take it easy”

I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me.

APOLOGY: ONE

2006-03-07T10:48:00.000+11:00

I'm Sorry.
You were only eight, as was I. You wanted to be nice to me and gave me a Christmas card. Secretly I thought you were very cute and did what every girl my age would do.

I ripped up the card.

Here's hoping that you forgive me.

Thought for the Day

2006-02-17T10:41:00.000+11:00

That is all. Have a good weekend.

"Clean the Oven Bitch" Day

2006-02-14T11:15:00.000+11:00

Valentine's Day; a chance for all to live out the dream as played out in this

delightful article

The search is on

2006-02-09T10:05:00.000+11:00

Do you know what I found last night?

An empty ring wallet from a jewellers that I know specialises in rings. Should I make like the fellowship and search it out? Or should I be noble Frodo and resist my urges? Or should I stop with the LOTR references and get a life?

All answers on the back of a C5 envelope please.

Joy and disappointment

2006-02-07T12:23:00.000+11:00

JOY
Now that 6 is back at school applying herself to year one, and 4 has started kinder with relish, I have discovered a wonderful morning pleasure. MAKING SCHOOL LUNCHES. Yes dear readers, this a post about the minutiae of my daily life. Come back tomorrow if you would like to hear more about the sex, music, politics or other more world shaking topics.

Anyway SCHOOL LUNCHES, I love them because my own schooling lunches were an abomination. Mum, if you are reading this, I love you, you are an inspiration to my life and have instilled in me a great love of music and personal freedom, thanks. However, your school lunches weren't all that great. Mine are works of art.

For those that care, note this:
I use GLAD WRAP to cover sandwiches that have been cut in TRIANGLES. Very important.
I have little containers of fresh strawberries and grapes, and little containers of mixed unsalted raw nuts.
AND they get a little sweet treat.

They look so beautiful that I want to take a photo of them. Good lord turn away now, I may cry.

DISAPPOINTMENT
A word of advice is needed.

MLI told the girls long ago that I was their step mother and as we have the girls equally as long as their mother does they have adjusted well to another female influence. However, MLI's ex doesn't want me to be called step mother because she believes the term would only be used after her death. The dictionary defines a step mother as the wife of your father and even though we aren't married we have employed this term comfortably.

I dropped 4 off at kinder today and the teacher asked who I was. I said "4's stepmother". Then 4 said "Your not my step mother, you are only that after mummy dies". I was really embarrassed because she is obviously telling the kids different to us. I also signed into the kinder as 4's step mum and if MLI's ex sees that she will probably send some nasty messages to MLI.

What should I do? If I'm not a stepmother - what am I?

Why booze is good for you

2006-02-06T12:34:00.000+11:00

Only two weeks to go in my self imposed life of Booze Free Fun and the companion campaign, I Am a Non Smoker, continues. Some amazing revelations have come to light. The following thoughts have run through my head sometime in the last two weeks.

"Aha ha ha, I'm a brilliant very strong person with lots of willpower, I will not fail"

"Gosh, what am I going to do with my hands?"

"Fuck, this party is boring, why is this person drooling on me?"

"Wow, I had no idea drunk people could be so irrational"

"Mmmmmm, perhaps I should post about Australia's drinking problem?"

"Maybe I'll just stay in and read"

In good news though, I have kissed 5 kilos and a lungful of black tar goodbye. And, if I do say so myself, I'm on my way to becoming quite a hot bird.

Only two weeks to go friends. First round of Jagermeister is on me.

Wanker

2006-02-03T10:47:00.000+11:00

Let's talk about masturbation. On masturbation, Tom Waits says it pretty well don't you think?

Intro to "Better Off Without A Wife" (Nighthawks At The Diner, 1975, Tom Waits)

I’ve always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. You know... Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Yeah... Well, one thing about it, you’re always around! Yeah, I know. Yeah, you ask yourself out, you know. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. You know... Well, I ain’t cheap, you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe, you know. Then you’ll be... some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house, you know, and you... Oh yeah, you´re smooth with it... you know, you put a little nice music on. Maybe you put on like... you know... like shopping music, something that’s not too interruptive, you know. And then, you know, and eh... slide over real nice, you know, say, ’Oh, I think you have something in your eye’. Eh-heh-heh. Well, maybe it’s not that romantic with you, but Christ, I... you know! It ain’t... you know... Take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe... I make a little something, a brandy snifter or something. Would you like to listen to some of my back records. I got something here... Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and... there ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around... I’ll confess, you know, I’m no different, you know. I’m not weird about it or anything. I don’t tie myself up first, I just... you know. I just kind of... spend a little time with myself.

I'm sure we are all partial to a "little time by ourselves", and I certainly fly a flag for the self provision of pleasure. However this gentleman may be taking it a little far.

You think?

Tonight's Special: Blue Murder

2006-02-02T11:24:00.000+11:00

What does this man, Neddy Smith....

and this man, Roger Rogerson....

have to do with dinner?

Find out over here at We Do Chew Our Food.

A Chinese Cracker

2006-01-29T21:15:00.001+11:00

MLI, 6, 4 and myself caught the Millenium Dragon dance for the Year Of Dog celebrations in Chinatown today. The girls wore the dresses that I gave them for Christmas and they were the subject of many photographs by total strangers. MLI and I joked that it was a combination of my costume design and his staging abilities and bickered as to who as a bigger stage mother.

Right, anyway..

What can you say about Chinese New Year? I love it - the smell of firecrackers, the drums, the dragons, the acrobats, so I'm not going to wax on about the event as such. We had a nice day as we also do, the girls loved the dragon dance and felt very fancy in their dresses with paper umbrella and fan accessories and I would rate it as a successful family day out.

But people, much more serious matters are at hand I'm afraid.

Fashionistas of the World I need your help.

Can you tell me when snoods came back in? Do you know the last time I saw these was on the back of Fergie's head in about 1989 or so. So long ago that I can't find any pictorial evidence on the internerd dammit. Are they back in? are they? I really need to know you see. Why? BECAUSE MY ENTIRE WINTER WARDROBE WILL BE PINNED ON THIS OK!!!

I heart public art

2006-01-27T14:53:00.000+11:00

If you aren't very busy in March perhaps you might like to wear a hedge on your head in the name of a beautiful world?

I will be.

Red Cabbage Collective are putting together a public maze at the Melbourne Museum on March 26th. Contributors put a piece of hedge on their head and form the maze, a beautiful thing don't you agree?

For more information click here

Thanks to Jon Bon Bailey from Art of the City for the heads up*.

*Ha ha - get it? Christ, I'm a comic genius, someone get me a manager.

Because Australia Doesn't Love Cricket Enough

2006-01-25T10:46:00.000+11:00

Being a publicist, I don't really do much except read magazines and chat on the phone to editors before enjoying a lunch of lettuce leaves and coke and finishing the day with a pedicure and a bottle of champas.

So while I was wasting my morning finding out if Janae on Neighbours was going to be cleared of her blood disease, I came across this wonderful new issue from The Ashton Drake Galleries, who are no doubt the bastards who put Franklin Mint out of business. A shame really as I will never get to finish collecting my Princess Diana Memorial Plates at this rate.

Look at this little beauty - all yours for the low price of $265.00!!! Don't say I don't pass on the bargains when I see them people.

Well, why wouldn't I?

2006-01-24T10:07:00.000+11:00

Dear readers, a warning. The next month of posts might be a little on the dry side.

I'm on the health kick you see.

This month I have had 22 smoke free days.

AND,
I'm up to day 2 of 31 days of booze free fun.

Hw do I feel? yeah I feel great.

Out of the Mouth of Babes #1

2006-01-23T08:48:00.000+11:00

This is not turning into a mummy blog, I promise. However I couldn't resist this one.

The last two days in our house have been "all fans on deck" to try and cope with the disgusting heat. I'm glad we didn't see 4 and 6 until last night as it would have made for a very uncomfortable few days for them.

Last night after a protracted bed time ritual, 4 popped her head into the lounge and flaked out on the arm of the couch.

"Dad, something is not right"
"Really sweetie, what is wrong?"
"Well, I'm not cool and I don't mean that in the I look good sort of way."

!!! MLI and I proceeded to fall about in fits of laughter for about an hour after that one.

Happy birthday little treasure. You never fail to make me laugh.

Hear my battle cry!

2006-01-22T10:24:00.000+11:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Ladycracker!

Ladycracker can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak.
If you drop Ladycracker from the top of the Empire State Building, she will be falling fast enough to kill before reaching the ground.
Grapes explode if you put them inside Ladycracker.
Czar Paul I banished Ladycracker to Siberia for marching out of step.
Ladycracker is the smallest of Jupiter's many moons!
All swans in England belong to Ladycracker!
The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by Ladycracker as she rode out to collect warriors slain in battle!
Ladycracker is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.
68 percent of all UFO sightings are by Ladycracker.
Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in Ladycracker.

EDIT: I'm rude sometimes. I found this over at Help Me I'm Falling.

Antony and the Johnsons

2006-01-20T12:32:00.000+11:00

I have never been to a concert with rabid fans before.

Last night I went to see Antony and the Johnsons at Hamer Hall, the last concert gig on their year long world tour. Unlike Arcade Fire, definitely my choice for best album I heard last year, I hadn't had Anthony's album on a high rotation. It is an album for those quieter moments, reflective and moody, and I don't have a lot of those these days.

So, I as I say, I'm not a rabid fan. The people I went with are. They had followed Anthony to Sydney and were distressed that they weren't able to get tickets to tonight's gig at Grand Central. That's a pretty decent stab at dedication, especially since I believe Aussies can be pretty cool about rampant adoration of anything other than sport. As a result of my friends' adoration I felt like a pretender who didn't deserve the red hot seat I secured.

The other grit in my oyster was a contact lens mishap. I've been given the wrong script and if anyone was looking at me they might have been rather put off by my intermittent blinking and winking. Either that or they might have taken it for a misguided pick up (did I mention that most of the audience was filled with gorgeous gay boys?).

Anyway, morse code eyes and feeling of adoration failure aside, the concert was magnificent with the highlights being the painfully exquisite "You are My Sister", a poignant and tear-inducing song, and Leonard Cohen's "The Guests".

CocoRosie were bloody fab too and have reignited my love for the Care Bears cartoons.
Check out both these artists if you haven't yet..

So ummm... tell me.....

2006-01-19T12:08:00.000+11:00

What was the best wedding you ever went to? What made it great? No reason really...

The Lost Art Of Self Promotion

2006-01-17T12:22:00.000+11:00

Hey y'all, Lindsay and I would just love it if you could head over here and place a li'l vote for yours truly in this year's Australian blog awards (Victorian and Personal catergories). I'll tell you now, there ain't no false modesty here. If you are lucky I might were this to the ceremony...

Get voting kids xx LC

The case of the mistaken identity

2006-01-16T10:44:00.000+11:00

It's Monday, I'm busy, so I leave with you this puzzle....

did Zack from Saved by the Bell

grow up to be.......

Jake Gyllenhal?

Tomorrow - a post about things of beauty, waterslides, Cecil Beaton and meat pies.

Four for Gold Class please

2006-01-13T10:44:00.000+11:00

Eggers and Jonze - a match made in heaven

Open up the inbox and my day has been made by the following news

A 'children’s film' with more promise is an adaptation of Where The Wild Things Are, based on the marvelous allegory by Maurice Sendak. The story of Max, who favours an hirsute wolf-fur jump suit, escaping from supper-less bedroom exile to an orgy of wild animals will be brought to life by Spike Jonze, based on a collaborative script by Jonze and novelist Dave Eggers (McSweeny’s honcho, and A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius scribe). While there have been snarky mumblings from grown-ups about Narnia blowing its universally beloved source material, Maurice Sendak is said to be smitten with Jonze’s take on the story.

Thanks to Filmink

The girls love this book and I'm sure that 4 in particular indentifies with Max, little wild thing that she is.

Rub for good luck

2006-01-12T09:38:00.000+11:00

A kid so cute I could eat him. Happy Birthday little spunk.

Photo courtesy of Love is the New Hate

Manna

2006-01-10T09:09:00.000+11:00

This week has been one of expensive champagne drinking proportions. MLI has scored a kick arse promotion and the trickle through effect means I get a new car!

So last night I was having a look around on the internerd for a new car and got lost in the weirdness per usual. Lucky me came across this post and I tell you it got the imagination firing...

....

....................

NO TITLE

It is very good to swallow; Some of the positives are-
1. It makes you very horny
2. It makes your breasts larger
3. It is very good for your skin. It has some hormones which prevent you from ageing
4. It tastes like juice from heaven
5. Your man will love you forever and treat you like a princess

What on earth could this person be talking about? Could it be this?

Or this?

what I really want to know... Do I have to push it though this to get a result?

Come on people, join in! Most original answer gets a souvenir from my soon to be gone car!

EVENT

2006-01-09T12:53:00.000+11:00

For those of you who might be interested....

Revenge

2006-01-09T12:17:00.000+11:00

Because life just isn't aggro enough sometimes

click Here
(thanks Loz)

Resolve vs Revolt

2006-01-06T10:27:00.000+11:00

I know we are almost a week into the new year, but I have been so busy taking vitamins, running around the park, doing push ups and ingesting Phyto-Soy-Mega-Power-Booster Shakes, making "peace" with myself and sending floral tributes to the Packer family* to take the time to let all my dear readers know about all the little things I plan to do to become a world beating superwoman.

In short, I plan to do these things, hardly world exploding stuff..

1. Buy a better red lipstick.
2. Learn to play poker like a demon.
3. Enrol in that Indian Head massage course.
4. Buy that costume, never you mind what perves.
5. Learn a language, something sexy like Italian or Spanish.
6. Enrol for those dance classes and tango like a pro.
7. Buy more music, see more bands.
8. Buy that Kozyndan giclee print I have had my eye on.
9. Become a more active political animal.
10. Remember to feed the fish.

Of course I have some very private, soul searching desires that I must follow through on this year but you do not need to know too much about those. All I may say is that I see the potential for 2006 to include; a celebration of love, a broadening of mental horizons and, if it all goes well, the road to my true vocation clear and true.

If the Village Voice is anything to go by, it all might work out for me - this is what they have to say..

CANCER (June 21–July 22): There's no delicate way to say this, so please stop reading and come back next week if you're offended by graphic references to pleasure. According to my analysis of the long-term astrological omens, you're on tap to experience more orgasms in 2006 than you have in any previous year. On average, your climaxes are also likely to be longer and more intense. Other varieties of bliss, rapture, and joy will probably occur at record levels as well. Think you can handle it?

OH JOY, BRING IT ON

* bald faced lie

What a disappointment

2006-01-04T12:38:00.000+11:00

I hope this year gets better.
Apart from not receiving a formal invitation to this yet..

Channel Nine neglected to display my message to the world using the only possible rival to the infamous worm, the New Years Eve text message ticker. My message read as follows..

"Dear John Howard, Happy New Year. May you turn over a new leaf. Much love Ladycracker."

So onward we go into 2006. I'm not quite back yet but I'm cetainly warming up to it. For all you out there, I hope you are kicking off with a bang.

a christmas cracker

2005-12-28T17:20:00.000+11:00

My first Christmas as a stepmother has been ace. I am now living the rock and roll dream as part of an all girl punk band with 4 and 6. "Dog Child", a hard living band who break all the rules consists of yours truly on the drums, 6 on vocals and keyboards and 4 on the axe and vocals.

Already the creative juices have been flowing and our double A side will be ready in days. Containing two corker hits "Christmas Day" and "The Fish called Emily and Emma", I see fame and fortune ahead. Like all punk bands we can't play our instruments. Check out the lyrical flow below.

"Christmas Day"
all rights reserved Ladycracker\6\4

Yesterday was Christmas Day
And the girls got to play
with their brand new toys

Oh what fun was to be had
especially for H-- and little M--
Lucky they are such good girls

Christmas Day, Christmas Day
Oh how we love Christmas Day
Christmas Day please come back soon....

"The Fish Called Emily and Emma"
all rights reserved Ladycracker\6\4

Emily and Emma
We go them for Christmas
They are our pets

We love Emily and Emma
We love Emily and Emma
We love Emily and Emma

They are white and orange
The have a plant called Em
They have beautiful blue rocks

Rocking right?

Not only annoying but educational too

2005-12-23T08:53:00.000+11:00

My love of google is very well documented but now I have discoved not only does it feed my passion for WACKY pictures, I can also feed a family nutritious Spam based meals! Never one to shirk my responsibilities as a cutting edge blogger, here are some fun Christmas meal ideas for you, gleaned from the ads on the spam page of gmail.

Vineyard Spam Salad - Combine grapes, spam, peapods and onions in large bowl(yummy!)
Spam Hashbrown Bake - Serves 8 (what an original idea!)
Ginger Spam Salad - Serves 1, refrigerate overnight (don't cry single person, spam will fill that hole!)
Savory Spam Crescents - Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown (!!!)
Spam Breakfast Burritos - Bake 5-10 minutes, serve with salsa (Spam for breafast, you have to hand it to their marketing people.)
Spam Primavera - Toss with linguini, serve immediately (Impress you Italian mother in law with this wonderfully cross cultural dish!)
Spam Fajitas - Serves 8, add extra salsa if desired (yes I think I will need that extra salsa.)
Spam Skillet Casserole - Broil until golden (Little known fact about me:the word broil makes my skin crawl.)

Don't say that the internet has taught you nothing.

I will be accepting all meal invitations that feature these amazing recipes.

*opens gmail hopefully*

Christmas Cheer

2005-12-21T11:28:00.000+11:00

Christmas won't be complete without this album.

I have one copy to give to a lucky blogger. If you want it be the first to comment.

Guess What?

2005-12-19T11:15:00.000+11:00

It ended up like this....

A girl can't help it

2005-12-08T15:11:00.000+11:00

I've been trying recently to keep MLI's and my relationship off the blog but I'm sure my loyal readers are just dying to hear what we have been up to lately.

Living together has been a far smoother journey then what I first envisaged. My messy tendencies seem to be stymied and MLI manages to get more than three things in the fridge when he does the shopping. The girls have been sweet little angels when they aren't being naughty little minxes and have reacted well to my growing role as a disciplinarian as well as a giver of love, cuddles, baths and story time.

In fact, the relationship I have with the girls has become so important to me. I miss them when they go to their mother's house, I look forward to hearing about 6's day at school and what 4 got up to at kinder. So things are really good with those two.

Everyday with MLI just gets better and better. I love waking up next to him, the smell and feel of his skin, our little jokes and the warm feeling of total love and acceptance that he provides for me. Everyday I'm made so aware of how amazing he is, the forthright manner in which he lives life, the lack of fear in planning a future with me and all the little things that we have together that make life a much sweeter thing.

That's all, I'm off to sleep on fluffy white clouds and cuddle puppies or something. Normality will resume tomorrow.

The madness must stop

2005-12-06T15:41:00.000+11:00

I'm sure I'm not the only one who experienced a pretty terrible week just gone, but hell I'm paying for it this week.
To illustrate - my car stereo was stolen from my car while I had it at the mechanics getting serviced.

I'm the type of girl with little regard for venue and will not have any problems hassling a Hard House DJ about why he/she isn't playing The Pixies until they have to call security, I pass out etc.

"STOP TWIDDLING YOUR KNOB/S AND PUT SOME INTERPOL ON FUCKHEAD!"

So you can see the situation is getting pretty dire in my car. In fact the soundtrack of today's journey to work consisted of a little Australian ditty you might remember...

altogether now..

"Say goodbye, oh no don't!
Say goodbye, oh no don't!
Say goodbye, I want to see you every mornin', noon and ni-ight"

Please help me - what track would better to have on repeat in my head?

What not to do

2005-11-28T14:33:00.000+11:00

Dear Australia,
Please excuse little Johnny from attending Humanity 101 today. He isn't feeling very well. No doubt a spot of sunshine, fresh air and some beer will see him right.

Kind regards
Little Johnny's Mother.
See the whole sorry story here

Any shreds of respect I may have held for our Prime Minister are now gone. Hope the Windies thrash us and reduce you and your small minded, clearly shrivelled self to a pool of tears.

Take five!

2005-11-24T16:57:00.000+11:00

Ummm..... Sterne passed me on this meme. I'm sorry I just can't help myself. I love lists.

Read on....

10 Years Ago:
I was at uni in Brisbane studying to be a journo, I was working in a 7 - 11. I lived in a house that cost $33.00 a week in rent. I got stoned, drunk and worse for fun. I listened to Sisters Of Mercy, The Misfits, The Meanies, The Smiths, Faith No More and NIN a lot. I wore vintage Chanel lookalike suits with fishnet stayups decorated with roses at the top. These were clearly visible as my skirts were waaaay short. I had black Louise Brooks bobbed hair and toward the end of the year I wore lots of red lipstick. I was a "university lesbian".

5 Years Ago:
I met my first long term partner and we broke up in 2004 (you all know the rest) I got around in kooky eyeglasses and large Queen Latifah style turbans. I lived in a house that was $100.00 a week rent. I was Djing a lot and had a residency at a lesbian Drag King club every Friday. I worked as waitress and a sales rep for a Melbourne street press. I was listening to heaps of 70's soul sisters, Erykah Badu, Bette Davis, and electropop stuff like Electrelane, Looper, Princess Superstar and Peaches. Happy with my lot.

1 Year Ago:
Blogging, suffering though a terrible crisis that I thought would do me in. Drinking, Drugging and Fucking. Trying to find meaning in it all. Listening to very sad music. I was living in house that was $250.00 a week rent.

Five Yummy Things
Champagne, MLI's kisses, Cadbury's Milk Chocolate topping, really good olives, red wine

Five songs I know by heart:
I'm going with Sterne on this - I'll have to do Albums too.
Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars - David Bowie
Ok Computer - Radiohead
Horses - Patti Smith
In It For The Money - Supergrass
The White Album - The Beatles

Five things I would do with a LOT of money:
Buy my mum, dad, brother and sister a house.
Give money to my beautiful friends to sit on their asses and write masterpieces.
Commission Camille Rose Garcia to paint my portrait.
Take Ninja lessons
Donate a shitlaod of money and time to AIDS research

oh! and just one more
Call me elitist but I would love to revive the artists' salons of old...

Five things I would never wear:
Hotpants
Bib and brace overalls
one piece bathers
slouchy boots
Any tshirts promoting a band just for the "cool" factor. Posers feck off

Five favourite TV shows:
Six Feet Under
Neighbours
The Office
Nighty Night
Alan Partidge

Five things I enjoy doing:
Listening to music.
Discovering new art
Swimming
Seeing bands
Looking fabulous

Five people I want to inflict this on:

Melbourne Girl - do tell says the curious
Brisbane Window - because it will be filthy
Desci - Sure to be funny
Fluffy, because she loves a meme
Spirit Fingers - because I want to see how she will twist this inside out.

No shooting backwards

2005-11-24T09:53:00.000+11:00

I love this place A very happy tenth anniversay to one of the best drinking holes in Melbourne and one that I can truly say was my local.

Over the years I have had many a drunken night here and witnessed some incredible live music. Off the top of my head these are some of the memories I have:

The Black Keys 2005 : Without a doubt the best gig I went to this year. Lovely fellows too.
People Under the Stairs: Horrible hotel room, good gig
Sodastream
Marky Ramone Spoken Word gig
Hilltop Hoods
The Drones
The Mess Hall
The Loveslaps
Hot Snakes
Music Vs Psychics
Dan Brodie and the Broken Arrows

The list goes on but my memory fails. Perhaps it was all the drinking that I did but anyway thanks for such a great venue Richmond!!

Just doing my Job

2005-11-23T09:59:00.000+11:00

Australia's favourite envelope opener can finally say she has made it in the only way that truly counts.

Today she is featured on Go Fug Yourself. Click here for the snark.

Who needs chocolate?

2005-11-22T16:53:00.000+11:00

I've been feeling a little uninspired of late and have been sitting at my desk working though the minutiae of my job today thinking, "I need a boost".

When.. A huge bunch of flowers land on my desk and a message is left on my phone. "Don't book up your weekend too much baby, we are off to the coast instead." What a lovely surprise!

A welcome respite from the tedium of November.

RACHEL BAXENDALE AND THE BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS

2005-11-18T10:18:00.000+11:00

I collected the mail recently and came across an unusual thing... a letter addressed to me without the tell tale logo of a utility company/looming bill/fee schedule/call to give more, more, more. Instead I opened my mysterious envelope to find a little paper bluebird and the message "Bluebirds are happiest on windowsills".

The message was sent to me by my artistic friend Rachel Baxendale and since inquiring minds want to know, this is what she has to say about it.

The blue birds are a part of my phd project..in which I am creating and exploring symbols. The symbol of the blue bird comes from a painting my grandfather painted which was hung in the sunroom of his house. As a child I would sit with this blue bird for hours..I would chat to it and we became good friends.

The project is still developing..but the basic idea of the symbol of the bluebird is friendship. I have a bird box full of blue birds which I keep in my room. When looking through the box at the birds I may think of someone and then that bird becomes their bird (more that they become the guardian of the bluebird - cos blue birds must be free). birds have been posted..given..and delivered (late night installations on people's front windows).

The other main aspect is in the exploration of my own relationship to my art. This is the first time I have given art to a wide audience based mostly on whim. At first it was difficult to give...as there was an element of self-consciousness in the way in which it would be received and held. I want my art to be valued, cared for and respected.

So in a sense I am testing the boundaries as to how much I can open up my art to other people. I have always held it so close. I have also started to invite people to come over and look through the bird box and find birds for people who are special to them...this has been confronting but a rewarding process. after all the blue bird is a symbol of friendship and freedom...and in this way the process of the art reflects its meaning.

I am also looking at the rich history of the symbol of the bluebird. Bluebirds have been given for so many years,as bracelets from mother to daughter, as a symbol of freedom, as cards: the bluebird of happiness.

I think this is one of the most terrifically hopeful artistic gestures I have been in contact with, it reminds me of the sweeter street stencilling, it promises much to me for something so little. Also, Rachel's bluebird was the first mail I received after moving in with MLI and this instils in me a great sense of happiness and I foresee good fortune for us.

So Rachel, this post today was to say thank you. I hope you are well.

roku, shichi, hachi

2005-11-14T15:22:00.000+11:00

The ever interesting Richard Watts has tagged me with this meme. To celebrate my current mood, a Codrallled up, tight jawed anxiety I will tell you twenty things about me using brevity as my guide.

I'm kind of dorky
I like to laugh
My favourite flower is Lily
My favourite perfume is Hypnotic Poison
My favourite film is The Hunger
My favourite composer is Shubert
My favourite food icecream
My favourite band Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
My favourite modern artist is Camille Rose Garcia
My favourite poet is Sean M Whelan
My favourite writer is Margaret Atwood or Brett Easton Ellis
My greatest achievement is yet to come
My favourite activity is cleaning out my handbag
My least favourite things to do is wash clothes
The last person I rang was MLI
The last CD I listened to was Bell Orchestre's "Recording A Tape The Colour Of The Light"
The last film I saw was "Me You and Everyone We Know"
I am a member of a union
I believe in tolerance and compassion
Today I am wearing green and black striped underwear.

Werd

2005-11-11T13:20:00.000+11:00

The price of being hip
By Denise Winterman
BBC News Magazine

Trousers practically round the knees and sports shirts the size of a two-man tent, hip-hop has spawned many fashion trends. So don't cut the price tag off your new hat just yet.
"She was like 'do you realise you've still got the price tag on your hat?' I was like 'yeah, it's fashion'. She just walked off like she was a bit scared."

One of the UK's most promising hip-hop artists, Sway, recalls a recent encounter in the street with an elderly woman.

What the pensioner confused for absent mindedness is the latest fashion trend to be adopted by the hip-hop fraternity. At last week's Urban Music Awards in London, price tags were swinging from most of the baseball caps being worn.

Like so many hip-hop trends before, it is all about putting your wealth on show for all to see.

Read the rest here

Just show you all how I hip I am this is the sort of tags I'd be blowing you mind with if I followed this trend. Let's start with the feet

Shoes and Socks: pink and brown loafers. Slightly rockabilly, slightly preppy. black socks
KACHING! - $34.95

Pants: Jeans, from a warehouse sale, Butt looks just peachy in them. Nondescipt Sportsgirl belt bought when dropped some kilos quickly.
KACHING! $79.95

Top: Black Saba tube top, bought to wear with a very expensive dress for a wedding. An essential in my wardrobe now I don't know how I lived without it.
KACHING! - $50.00

Sweater: 1950's secretary pink wool sweater. Op shop special
KACHING! $5.00

So in total I would be flashing $169.90 which probably puts me in this category....

QUEEN OF BLING

2005-11-10T12:15:00.000+11:00

And in other news....

Not easy

2005-11-09T14:51:00.000+11:00

Hypothetically...

If a child invited you to an event and you said you would go but then someone blocked your path and you were being asked to renege...

what would you do?

India? really?

2005-11-08T10:02:00.000+11:00

What Southside Elaine is really doing on her holidays....

Me and Mrs Jones

2005-11-07T11:02:00.000+11:00

MLI celebrated his birthday on the weekend and I must say I spoiled us both rotten.

We ate Asparagus with Egg Ravioli, Pork Belly, Sirloin with Garlic Butter and Salted Chicken with Spring Vegies here, drinking a very special number from here.
A completely delicious, romantic meal was had and I highly recommend Mrs Jones for an evening out.

After dinner and the purchase of THE WORLD"S BEST BOOK, I presented MLI with his gifts.

LOUIS ROEDERER CHAMPAGNE

AND

A COMPLETE YOGA ACCESORIES KIT

Naturally, I too will benefit from these gifts! I also went all Suzy Homemaker and baked a cake with the ubiquitous "HAPPY LIFE INTELLIGENT CANDLE" from Victoria Street that we ate yesterday, lighting the candles again so that the girls could each have a go blowing out the candles.

Much fun.

fathers

2005-11-05T13:10:00.000+11:00

All little girls love their fathers.
Here is a few facts about mine.

When I was little he used to pretend to be a gorrilla and chase me down the hallway scaring me shitless.

He is quite the MSN messenger junkie making it difficult for him to communicate around the dinner table.

I walk and stand like him.

He wears glasses as does every member of my immediate family

He likes Wilbur Smith and Jeffrey Archer.

He likes Nana Mouskouri and The Seekers.

So why all the about a father? Well my father had the pleasure of meeting MLI about a week ago over dinner and to be honest it didn't go as smoothly as planned. I'm a fully functioning adult who has been pretty self sufficient since I was 17. Yet, my heart is torn in two ways when I see my father. The first way is the protective mother in me that wants me to see him happy and healthy in his retirement. The part that has alarms going every time he opens his mouth. The second feeling is irritation that even though I'm almost 30, I'm sure that the dinner didn't go well because Dad does not approve of me having a partner. I don't think he has ever really liked many of my boyfriends and thankfully he didn't meet my one long term girlfiend and a number of uni boyfriends!

I'm hoping that Dad and MLI will get to know each other over time and Dad will move out from under the protective cover of the computer. Until then, I'll pull the conversational rabbit out of the hat for the delight of the family.